I’ve been working on conscious external changes. I am hoping that by doing some of these things, they will help my mood and processing of life’s stress easier. 

The last 2 weeks I have walked just over a mile and a half. I usually take Blaze and Diego (my dogs) with me and walk down a country road not far from my home. I have found a connection with the various homes, acres of land used for farming and raising livestock; as well, my boy Blaze seems to get excited on our walks. I believe it is because of his memory of living on the farm and running the 1/4 section of land every day, chasing rodents and just enjoying the outdoors. I loved our walks through the field. Checking the hay that would be growing, often wild, as we didn’t plant seed. We often had deer and moose on our property and it was through their droppings that new seed would grow. Cycle of life as they say. If we weren’t growing hay ourselves that season, we would rent to one of the farmers and take a cut of the profit. 

I feel flustered today. For the last 48 hours I have been preparing for an audiologist appointment. I have waited about 7 months or so for it. It is a follow up to a massive ear infection I had back in April 2012, that had been misdiagnosed. There are so many things that I couldn’t have to eat or drink, it was crazy. 

I slept very poorly. I had a massive headache all day yesterday. C’s been sick with an upper respiratory infection, so he hasn’t been himself and as selfish as I sound, having BPD sucks because all I could think about is how I was being left to do everything and he hasn’t even been home a week! I have been handling everything while he was a way for the last 3 weeks and in general I do handle most household things.  I have realized I feel resentful when left to run the house, take care of the pets, chores, create my own company. I know, selfish right!?

Well, I didn’t go to my appointment. I figured it was in part due to fear on what they would find regarding my hearing and possible loss. But I rationalized it by saying that I’ve had to wait all this time and done just fine. I’ve adjusted to the possible 30% loss. About 20 mins later after I was late for my appointment, the nurse called and we talked about what was to bring me to my appointment. She said the specialist had me down for “tinnitus and balance” issues and she was looking to confirm so that they knew what to test me for. 

This had me feeling confused; I was not going for tinnitus, I explained to the nurse what the original problem was and what I thought I was going for. She said that she will make a note on my chart and I am to call back tomorrow and discuss doing a hearing test which is 60 mins but they usually book 90 mins. Then if necessary they can do the rest of the testing which includes various balance type stuff. 

I really dislike how angry I feel inside. I feel like a pot of boiling water, ready to blow the lid and steam sky high. I know that when I get minimal sleep and when I feel that I am doing more than my share of running the house, triggers me.

Now I’ve lost my train of thought and can’t remember what else I was going to write!