I went to my first ever Zumba class last night. I was nervous and instantly shy. I heard the judgment inside my head picking at every part of me. I met the instructor, she is a petite Chilean girl, full of zest and spunk. I like her. I’ve always connected with other cultures really well. I remember as a young girl in school, we had exchange students and I had become friends with a young girl from Columbia. We connected and shared many fun school days and I really felt like I had a friend. I remember feeling sad when she had to go back to her homeland.
So my instructor and I chatted, I got to learn what type of class I was about to do. Boy oh boy, it was a regular Zumba class, no beginners class here LOL! I felt I would be ok, even if I wasn’t coordinated. But for someone who has always prided herself on her appearance, feeling awkward has never been acceptable.
Then I saw myself in the mirror and if I could have run out of the room I would have.
I have become someone I have always feared, someone who isn’t the size 6 she has always been. I have blamed everything from my car accidents to my hysterectomy, that I’m sure my partner is sick of hearing me talk about. I haven’t been getting a full nights sleep either and I’ve recently learned that not getting proper, healthy sleep, adds to weight issues. So last night we put 2 of our 3 cats in kennels as they have been causing a lot of early morning problems. This morning I would up having 2 extra hours of sleep!
F was super sweet, she said if I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror I could stand where the wall is, if that makes it easier for me. I chose to look at myself, I wanted to see how hideous I had become. I don’t want to hear people say “you need to be kinder to yourself, you are talking negative, you aren’t that heavy” blah blah blah. When you have been a perfectionist all your life and to see yourself as I have, it hits hard. The words that come to mind are FAILURE! No, I don’t want to accept that my car accidents have played a part in not working out like I once did, the hysterectomy did a major change on me, losing my hormones has changed everything about how my body works, how it doesn’t do what it once did with ease.
My wish and hope is that with the addition of the bio identical hormones I am on and have been on for a few months now, will help start moving the 47-50 pounds of weight I want off my body.
Having an illness like BPD really makes things challenging. I struggled with looking at myself when doing the movements. I could hear those voices telling me that I am stupid for even trying. But I also redirected my eyes from the mirror to my instructor, she and I made eye contact many times, smiles and laughing as I connected with the dance moves. At one point I deliberately looked at her feet and started to count the steps and when she would point which leg to start with as we were doing a salsa or meringue, I found I was getting the hang of things. BTW there is a lot of spins and turns with Zumba LOL!
My plantar fasciitis in my left ankle which flares badly in the morning, flared later that night. I knew it would, even with support in my runners. This morning I was in agony, it had flared horribly. I couldn’t put any pressure on my foot at all. I wrapped it up and proceeded to get up and tend to the dogs.
How am I supposed to move forward in life, when the negative self talk, constantly shoots me down. I tell myself I will beat this weight gain, and will do whatever it takes to get it off of me. But the one thing I cannot do is accept that my body is the way it is going to be for the rest of my adult life. Its just not in my vocabulary.
It’s been suggested that I may have to accept my body as it is. How do I do that, when my body has been my vice? How do I learn to love the inside of me, when I never knew that the inside of me deserves to be loved?