I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I could cry. I had a dream of a dog I helped rescue a couple of months back that she had passed away. Scary thing is, I’ve not thought of she and her daughter (Syndey is about 2 and Annie is about 12 years old) for a little bit now, but I do remember being told that mama Annie didn’t have as long as she was a senior and she has some major issues with her.
This thought has been gnawing at me. I don’t know why the dream showed me this message. This isn’t the first time I’ve had messages come to me in a dream. I know I have a gift, and I do tune into it when it gives me messages like this. I had one recently about one of my own dogs, Lucy, being run over and she died.
Yet, yesterday and today, I have felt on edge, emotions near the surface but nothing comes out of me; well other than being bitchy and snippy. I have been tired because I keep waking up in the night. Its either hot flashes, or I am awakened by a soft tongue of one of my dogs letting me know they want something.
I feel anxious and very nervous. I saw on a DBT forum on Facebook of another person who has been feeling rather on edge herself. She however, says it is the time of year for her. For me, I suppose it “could” be a part of that, but I suspect it goes deeper.
Recently my therapist and I were conversing over another topic and she said that only I can give myself permission to do something, so why do I think I can’t have permission to do “x”?
The first answer that came to me was I didn’t deserve to. The second was I don’t know any other way of thinking. She replied that this thinking hasn’t helped me has it? I replied, no it hadn’t, but I’m too scared to even step outside of that. The “what if’s” come piling in my head. “what if” I accept that my body won’t go back to a healthy weight? “what if” I accept that I deserve to feel happiness?
The only emotions I feel instantly, even while typing this is panic and fear. I panic because the very thought of thinking I deserve better emotionally, doesn’t even make sense in my head.
Maybe I’m just not ready to step outside the box? Maybe that’s where the stuck emotions come from? I do know what it feels like to release very intense emotions, one time it happened in a hospital program I was in, and the reenactment of my life story. I was given a nerf bat and as we reenacted a pivotal moment in my life, the rage that started to build and literally spew from me and out to the bat as I literally belted anything that wasn’t sat on. I remember feeling exhausted and cried.
The second time I ever felt like that was about 5 years ago when my ex moved in his old flame into our home. He went cold emotionally and I remember bending down and had this feeling in the pit of my stomach; like the proverbial volcano. From the balls of my feet, right up through and out of my mouth, I screamed and cried, everything that had ever been in our relationship spewed out of me. I remember at one point, grabbing a cast iron sign that hung at the entrance to our home. “She” had put it up, with their last names. This thing was heavy! Yet, I grabbed it off the post, carried it (albeit wobbly) and threw it as hard as I could! I know if I wasn’t in that rageful moment, there is no way I could have lifted it, let alone thrown it.
I have always said that the emotions scared me and I didn’t want to be like that. So perhaps this is why my emotions are stuck inside of me?