My fight with image and the mirror

I have a very pretty sash that covers have of my oval mirror in my bathroom. I do it because I do not like how I look in the mirror from the neck down.  I know I struggle with my image perception with my eating disorder.

Every Monday and Wednesday for the last 30 days I have been taking a Zumba class. My therapist and I talked about what activity would I like to do that would get me out of the house.  I love music. She said that Zumba would be perfect because it is fun, social, has exercise and it gets me out of the house. Since starting I have now lost 10lbs! I am very happy because I am about 50lbs total overweight.  This is the first time since having my radical hysterectomy surgery and all the changes that have come with the surgery (i.e. hormones out of balance, food changes, mental, emotional and physical changes).

However, as much as I can accept the movement of weight and more towards returning my body back to what I accept. I struggle with the negative tapes every time I am in the studio!  I find if I do not move away from the mirrors, my head gets jumbled, I start to over think my movements, I will hear the words “what are you doing?” “You aren’t any good at this, just go home”, etc. But if I stand where the wall is, away from the mirror the voices quieten. I’ve tried to look “through” the mirror, meaning just working the routines but being in front of the mirror but not critiquing myself. But when I turn sideways, during movements etc., I see the faults, I see the deflation of what I have accomplished.

Its like the real reality of where my issues are, come face to face, like a bullet shot out of a gun, heading square to its target.

I don’t take into consideration that my tummy, thighs, hips are all smaller then they were. I don’t take into consideration that I have completely changed the way I eat; that I have learned that I am allergic to cow’s milk, that refined flours, sugars, etc., cause me to become bloated and gassy. Its like the ugly has to make sure I know its there no matter what I am doing.

I remind myself to look to my clothes. How do they feel? How do I feel in them? How do I feel with the food changes?

Its tiresome some days.