I have been reflecting on a paragraph that I read this morning on MyBPDStory, which you can find here: http://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/more-updates-and-assessments/. The paragraph that has really hit me hard is this one:
“I genuinely do not know why this happens, but it has been a recurring pattern throughout my life, and caused such pain and hurt to myself and the others around me. People think I am playing games – telling them one minute that I love them and want to be with them forever, and the next, telling them to get out of my life. I have been accused of being cold, uncaring, a game player, a mind fuck.”
“I asked her what she meant by that, and she said that when I was talking, she did not feel any emotions associated with my words. So when normal people speak, you can hear guilt, love, affection, pain or any of a whole host of other emotions. My voice and mannerisms, she said, appeared empty, which indicated to her that I was in‘pretend mode’. I tried to explain that firstly, I have told someone my life history so many times to so many different therapists/people that to me now, it is just a story. It doesn’t hurt to say the words, I am just repeating myself for the umpteenth time. Also, I have given to much thought to my life, actions and behaviours, and everything is so deeply analysed that I don’t feel any emotion any more. Perhaps also, I do not allow myself to feel the emotion because it would be too painful for me, and I have been there and done that. She told me that a big part of MBT is breaking down those walls and removing ourselves from pretend mode, and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions. This could prove traumatic, but it has to be done to gain a better understand and enable myself to heal.”
Both of these paragraphs are me! I realized today that what I am feeling is a past behavior that I didn’t even realize til now. In my past when I felt this way, I was able to brush it off as something else, not considering (as I didn’t know that I needed to) that perhaps it was something deeper.
I know with my current relationship, I don’t want this behavior to continue. I don’t want to hurt not just myself (although my BPD thoughts just say words like, “doesn’t matter, he will leave just like everyone else does”), but him as well. I do believe somewhere deep inside that I deserve to be loved, but I do know I have to break down the walls, so I can feel those emotions.
I’m really bothered by what I have realized, but I’m also hopeful that with this realization that another tiny step forward will happen.