Patterns and Past Behaviors


I have been reflecting on a paragraph that I read this morning on MyBPDStory, which you can find here: http://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/more-updates-and-assessments/. The paragraph that has really hit me hard is this one:

“I genuinely do not know why this happens, but it has been a recurring pattern throughout my life, and caused such pain and hurt to myself and the others around me. People think I am playing games – telling them one minute that I love them and want to be with them forever, and the next, telling them to get out of my life. I have been accused of being cold, uncaring, a game player, a mind fuck.”

 

“I asked her what she meant by that, and she said that when I was talking, she did not feel any emotions associated with my words. So when normal people speak, you can hear guilt, love, affection, pain or any of a whole host of other emotions. My voice and mannerisms, she said, appeared empty, which indicated to her that I was in‘pretend mode’. I tried to explain that firstly, I have told someone my life history so many times to so many different therapists/people that to me now, it is just a story. It doesn’t hurt to say the words, I am just repeating myself for the umpteenth time. Also, I have given to much thought to my life, actions and behaviours, and everything is so deeply analysed that I don’t feel any emotion any more. Perhaps also, I do not allow myself to feel the emotion because it would be too painful for me, and I have been there and done that. She told me that a big part of MBT is breaking down those walls and removing ourselves from pretend mode, and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions. This could prove traumatic, but it has to be done to gain a better understand and enable myself to heal.”

Both of these paragraphs are me! I realized today that what I am feeling is a past behavior that I didn’t even realize til now. In my past when I felt this way, I was able to brush it off as something else, not considering (as I didn’t know that I needed to) that perhaps it was something deeper. 

I know with my current relationship, I don’t want this behavior to continue. I don’t want to hurt not just myself (although my BPD thoughts just say words like, “doesn’t matter, he will leave just like everyone else does”), but him as well.  I do believe somewhere deep inside that I deserve to be loved, but I do know I have to break down the walls, so I can feel those emotions. 

I’m really bothered by what I have realized, but I’m also hopeful that with this realization that another tiny step forward will happen. 

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Blog for Mental Health 2013


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I advocate for better mental health care and have chosen to join a blogroll to share my solidarity to this very worthwhile, much needed pledge. My hope is that my fellow bloggers who haven’t joined this blogroll will.  I will be displaying the badge at my sidebar.

I want this blog to represent not just the “known” mental illnesses, I also want it to represent the voices of those who aren’t. Mental Health knows no bounds. It doesn’t care what your skin color is, your gender or your religion. I want everyone to know that struggling alone doesn’t have to be; that no one is alone, even on their darkest days. I am also hoping that as this blogroll carries on, it will open even more dialogue and community between Borderline Personality bloggers.

I am now going to attach the “rules” of how this amazing and simple campaign works. I have gathered it from A Canvas of the Minds http://acanvasoftheminds.com/. This isn’t an award, I want to make that plain, because I know that many bloggers feel that the blogging awards passed along, however well-intentioned, sometimes have a bit of a “chain mail” feel to them.  No, this campaign is something else entirely.  As introduced by its creator, it goes like this:

1.) Take the pledge by copying and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2013″.

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.

You can consider this an open pledge, so feel free to link to A Canvas Of The Minds and this post!

3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.

I was originally diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder with Anxiety in 1994.  In 1994 I did go into hospital for about 16 days and stay on the psychiatric ward. It was there that I was introduced to group therapy.  From there, I would go on to repeat various group therapies and have always felt that if I was truly well, then why do I have to keep doing these groups? 

In 2010 I was re-diagnosed with Borderline Personality with Bipolar Traits. I’ve always known that there were was something “not right” with me. I have always felt like I don’t fit within my biological family. I have had years of dynamic drama with my biological family but also with abusive relationships on all levels, as well as multiple car accidents.

in 2010, I met a mental health worker and it was with her guidance that I have been able to move towards the direction of understanding my life as it has been, and working towards a life of what it will be. It is because of her that I have learned of specific groups designed to help people with BPD, I will always be incredibly greatful to her.   

Ever since I purchased my own home in 2010, my life has been more stable than I have ever felt. I know it is because of drastic decisions that I have had to make that this will be the continued path for me. I do struggle with social anxiety and  an eating disorder. It is my hope that as I continue my journey to wellness, that my anxieties and disorders will become calmer.

I have chosen to be apart of this blogroll as a means of encouraging mental health awareness. I will publicly display this badge so as to tell my readers what it is about and to encourage them to join this pledge.

4.) Pledge five others, and be sure to let them know!

I am pledging five of my fellow bloggers who have stood with me, and have proven their mettle in my eyes as mental health bloggers.

  1. http://en.gravatar.com/quietbpd
  2. http://borderlinepersonalitydisordersupport.wordpress.com/
  3. http://tacklingbpd.com/
  4. http://bpdandanxiety.wordpress.com
  5. http://strugglingwithbpd.wordpress.com/

5.) And, as something novel for 2013, Lulu and I ask one more thing of you.

As you may have noticed, Canvas does not keep an official blogroll, outside of links to our authors’ personal blogs.  For something new and special to introduce Blog For Mental Health 2013, and really build a sense of community — and show everyone how many of us there are, and how strong we are, coming together — we are launching a Blog For Mental Health 2013 Official Blogroll!  So, in addition to linking back to the person who pledged you, please include the link to this original post in your piece.  As this gets passed along, link back or click here and leave a commentcontaining the link to your pledge, and we will put you on our Blog For Mental Health 2013 Official Blogroll page!  Show the world our strength, show them our solidarity, show them what we are made of.  Take the Blog for Mental Health pledge and proudly display the badge on your blog!

And may we all have a happy, healthy 2013!