Subconscious Reactions

Tomorrow I start my 16 week Process group. It runs 3 days a week in the mornings.

I have been feeling really irritated this weekend. I have also been having issues with my stomach. At first I blamed foods that I’ve not had in quite sometime as I have changed what I eat and I have since had he odd food reintroduced but as much as that could trigger a flare, having a couple of capfuls of aloe juice, seemed to take care of it. Then this morning my stomach became upset again and hours later it hasn’t changed at all. I don’t think this is completely food related. I am wondering if stress is playing on my nerves as well.

In the past when I felt anxious or angry, I would be very vocal and express how upset I was. Now, I have gone within myself. Internalizing my emotions, speaking terse but not yelling or ranting on and on.

I know that in the last year or two, when I have an upcoming social day planned, quite often I end up not feeling well and cancelling. I had a girlfriend say to me that she had noticed that when it came to me having plans, I usually ended up not feeling well. This doesn’t mean that what I was feeling isn’t real, but that I am thinking it is more symptomatic of what is larger than first thought.

I was a very outgoing, social person. I never liked being alone and although I didn’t have many friends, I got by ok with the ones I had.

Here I am 20+ years later, diagnosed with MDD, Social Anxiety, Body Dis-morphia and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Patterns and Behaviors written many times through the years on my medical chart, yet only one doctor questioned the possibility of Bipolar.

I am about to start a program that can change my life. From 20+ years of turmoil to the chance to heal. Perhaps my subconscious reactions will go away, giving me the opportunity to go out and socialize once more. I have read that BPD can go into remission; I’d really like that. I don’t know about the others though.

In about 10 days I will see the psychiatrist once again. I’m hoping we will discuss medications. Knowing that the Effexor XR is not working and hasn’t been for a long time, only adds to the fact that my mood swings are significant and I know if I was on the right medication and dosage it is one step to becoming balanced.

I know that medication alone doesn’t solve all my mental health problems, what I do know is that without it, I am just a shell of a person. I accepted a long time ago, that I most likely will be on medication for the rest of my life.

I don’ t like that medication can stop doing its work and the only way a person may know is by behaviors that haven’t been prevalent for a long time, resurface and return to making one’s life a living hell.

As it is, I have lost interest in going to the gym. For months I have enjoyed going, albeit with a bad ankle (plantar fasciitis) but I have to find the inner strength to go back. But I also realize I have been going in circles for years and only just realized it last week. I’ve been saying for months that I have so many blanks in my brain. However, when I read my medical records, seeing the notations and comparing them with what I have been dealing with now, triggered me into a mental relapse. I shut down.

Tomorrow is a new day, I will be tired, any time I do a new group the first few times are exhausting for me. I learned it is because the right side of the brain is awakened. It is used in ways to contribute to being present. I just hope my subconscious reactions will stop or at least settle down so I can do more things in my life, outside of what I allow myself to do. Which is pretty much anything that doesn’t involve socialization.




One thought on “Subconscious Reactions

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