Anxiety, Fear and Walls

Today was the first day of the interpersonal process group therapy. Did some paperwork before starting, however, I didn’t get it all done so I had to continue with it before I left for the day. 

Group for me is a tricky area as I am sure it is for anyone starting fresh. It takes a bit to get into the groove of what people are talking about, learning who is who. I don’t know what week anyone is on which is challenging for me because if I don’t know where they are in their progress, then that opens me up to being vulnerable to learning/liking them, only to have them no longer in group because they are finished. 

A few people spoke about wearing masks (which means that we morph ourselves to be what others want us to be). I heard a few times how people don’t know who they are, that they have a wall up that only allows people to come in so far. The other thing that was mentioned was the feeling of seeing life going by. 

I spoke about how I do understand the desire to say what is on your mind and that feeling of words not being able to come out of my mouth. I do understand about the wall as I don’t understand how I allow myself to go to specific places, but not to social events.

There is a lot of fear and anxiety around being open to others. I know for me, the fear of repercussions is huge.  If I wanted to express emotions as a child, I was often “shoo’d away”, being told that mom was busy, or she just got home from work. As an adult, I find I do say what’s on my mind, but I have been called controlling and condescending. So I’m dammed if I do, and dammed if I don’t.  

We don’t take notes or keep a binder of papers given to us, as I have received in other group therapies. This one is what I call “talk therapy.” 

I have a headache and I’m not sure if it is my glasses as they are not sitting 100% right on my face, or if it is from the session, then mixed with the smells in my house when I got home.