Emotional neglect – something I never saw my family do to me growing up. I admit I’ve been angry most of my life around my mother and her lack of parenting but neglectful, I never put those words into place, until today.
I started group today by discussing that my conversations with a relative have revealed that she never knew about my mental illnesses. I know there is steady communication between my bio mom and this relation, especially on Facebook as she does live far away.
In my morning group, I went on further to reveal that growing up my bio mom treated me like I was invisible. After thinking on this some more, I have come to realize my mother most likely resented me because I chose to maintain a relationship with my father’s family after his passing 37 years ago. I remember the arguments about how my grandparents refused to let my father die or that mother was very angry that I stood strong against any words used negatively against dad’s side of the family.
My mother was of the mindset that dad is dead, we are moving on, end of story. BUT she didn’t take into consideration what the needs of a 7 year old girl were during this time.
I explained to the group that the adult “me” who is present and understands right and wrong, is the one who has to soothe the little girl in me. That it is especially difficult around the holidays, birthdays, summer time camping trips, and other holidays that I see happen on my sister’s FB wall. I did mention that my boyfriend and I can’t afford both of us to travel to Texas twice a year, where he goes to see his children; so a lot of times I am by myself and its a “skype” Christmas.
I feel a lot of emotions in my stomach and I am not sure if they will come out of me or not. What that looks like, I’m not sure if it is by crying or by rage. At the end of the day, “C” said I have to find a way to accept that my mother did the best she could with the tools she had; even though that was clearly not enough. We spoke on Radical Acceptance. He agrees, this is no doubt very painful and I’m not sure what to do with this stuff that has surfaced today.
I wonder if what I am feeling is grieving? That I am grieving what I didn’t get as a child? What I feel isn’t anger, it is sadness. I feel sad that this little girl inside of me, who has attached herself to the animals we have in our home, as a means of filling her emotional needs.
Maybe I need to go to the gym? Ahhh, I dunno, to be honest what I need, other than a cup of tea that has been so thoughtfully given to me by my very loving boyfriend.