I realized today in group, during discussions regarding the “longing” many of us feel about our fathers or mothers, I said out loud that I think I would have had a better chance at feeling accepted by someone if I were adopted. At least then I would have had a chance, instead of spinning around and around in the same vicious circle of longing I have all my life.
I realized today that I don’t want contact with my mother. Anytime I do, an instant wall goes up and I panic. I panic because that longing instantly comes back but with it comes insanity. I shared with group today that I recall many arguments with my mom over my connection with my grandparents. The more negative that she said, the more drawn to them I was. The more she tried to keep me away from them, the more I begged for them to take me away.
It was accepting today for the first time in my entire life, that I was in a room with other clients who have experienced a lot of what I have gone through and where I am wanting to go.
The hurt, fear, frustration and how anger has protected all of us. Being angry has taught us all that we don’t have to deal with our emotions because we are so angry at what has happened to all of us.
I felt a flush of heat hit my face when I said the word “adoption”. I had never said anything like that before, not even to myself. But I knew it was the truth. My sibling although she has me on her FB, we don’t actually communicate. Rarely will I get any conversation from her. I have come to believe that I am on there so I can see how my nephews are doing. However, the very idea of not having my sister in my life, makes me very anxious and scared. She is my last link to what I know family to be. She in a lot of ways is my everything.
A group member, desperate to understand, says that although he can respect where others are coming from, if what people have decided is best for them, then why are we all in this room together?
I waited a few minutes as others were talking and when a break happened, I commented by saying that for me, the tools I learned as a child, although they worked when I was younger, don’t work now an so for me, I am hoping to learn more adult ways of dealing with situations.
The doctor said that as children, we learned survival skills, those same survival skills are no longer viable because we are adults. However, I feel that some of these skills are ingrained and my problem is figuring how on earth those ingrained tools will be removed, creating a place of space for more mature tools to be inserted.
I still struggle when I learn of holiday get togethers and family holiday vacations, because I know I will never be a part of them. This the longing I miss, the being included. This is also why I wonder if I would have done better had I been adopted by a family who wanted me.
Not sure exactly how I am supposed to feel right now.