I realized today I don’t miss my mother. This reality came as a result of discussions in group about the emotional connection and parents. There is a member in group who is really wanting that connection with his father. 

I gave up long ago, I realized that no matter how much I wanted that emotional connection, it will never happen. Its something she isn’t capable of giving me. It is easier to blame my grand parents saying they brain washed me versus owning her inability to feel an emotional connection to me. 

The outcome of this realization is the repercussions of not having that emotional connection with my mother is huge. The lack of emotional connection has folded over into my adult life and this is a huge awareness for me. For a long time I just assumed my abandonment issues stemmed from my father’s passing when I was a young girl. Seems that is not entirely true for me. 

As an adult though, when I hear of friends doing social activities and I’m not included, my trigger place instinctively goes to a reactive place of “what about me?” Then I go to the place of blaming my self centered thoughts on believing I should be center of attention, even though my partner says that is not what I am doing, what I am doing is recognizing my value as a person to my friendships. 

Last night that happened where I felt my self worth undervalued and I instinctively went to self destructive behaviors. I also said today that I don’t blame people for not including me because there have been invites a few times and on the day of the event, I would and have felt panicky and cancelled or not shown up; therefore I’m not the first person people think of inviting when they make plans. 

There was a question posed to me if I have a memory of a good relationship with my mother. I don’t recall any out right mother/daughter special moments. The one I have is of a family, in the back yard, I’m on a swing set, dad is in the garden and I think I was holding a cat/kitten. I subsequently fell backwards and ended up getting stitches at the back of my head lol. My first introduction of my doctor bribing me that he would give me a quarter for my choice in favorite ice cream if I were a good girl when I got my stitches. I was a good girl and to this day Mint Chocolate Chip is still my favorite ice cream :). 

When I process what has transpired in group, I don’t feel anger; I feel sadness; yet no tears fall from my eyes. I have come to realize that ever since I left my former home town and the circumstances that caused me to leave, I haven’t felt much in the way of emotion. Perhaps it is more about protecting myself and my feelings? However, the repercussion of this inability to feel is the emotions feel stuck inside my throat; the feeling of boiling and bubbling but not enough to come out. The last time I truly felt any emotion was when I became so very angry at my former partner, the rage inside me was like a volcano spewing lava continuously. That rage scared me because I never knew a person could feel that much emotion and be able to lift objects that normally I couldn’t because they were heavy; suddenly I’m able to lift them and toss them! 

My reality is I am an emotionally starved person, now emotionally locked down in my ability to feel emotion. How I go about removing those layers on my journey to wellness and healing, I am not sure right now, but I hope to learn somehow that I deserve to feel love, I deserve to feel emotions.