Too much going on in my head!

I feel like I need to be writing because today a lot has transpired and honestly I am not sure where to start. 

I guess I could start with the fact that today at my psychiatrist’s appointment we are finally reducing my Effexor XR with the goal of removing it from my medication regime. I’m happy about this as I’ve known for a while it hasn’t been doing anything in terms of depression and mood stabilization. As I said to my psychiatrist I feel like I am a chandelier in terms of mood swings. 

We are starting with Lamotrigine tomorrow which is used for bipolar and it is also a mood stabilizer. I believe he is putting me on this because of my experience with being on Lithium.  I understand from the pharmacist today that the usual protocol is every 3 months there is a blood draw to check levels. 

I am feeling drained and shut down. A lot of drama has been going on with the group I volunteer with and I am drained. I also feel resentful for what happened and I did talk to not just my psychiatrist but to my group this morning. I discussed how I really feel like my childhood resentment and the adult person I am are completely blended and I don’t like it. I don’t like how fast I can go into rageful emotion. I’m struggling on how to accept this emotion and to allow it to be released. 

I learned about repressed emotions today. What that means is as a child, whether it be I wasn’t heard, or I wasn’t allowed to express how I was feeling, I learned to stuff them. This makes sense because as a result of the last couple of days of arguing and being defensive and protective of myself, I am exhausted and I feel the wall and it is high! I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone to quieten down my thoughts and regroup. 

I know there is more I could be typing right now, but I feel good for just getting this out for  now.