Awareness


Well that’s a start, a title.

I wanted to write yesterday, but any time I opened up a “new post” I could feel the words sitting inside my head and mouth.

Today’s group was on some really deep stuff. Suicide, Rescuing Someone, Triggers, Anxiety, Guilt, Emotions, Empathy, Flatness of emotions.

I could hear the feelings being shared by others and I voiced how I would give anything to “feel” those same emotions. To remember what tears felt like for another adult human being. I understand that I am very protective of children and animals, because they are not only unconditional in their affections, but that I want to make sure that no one ever goes through what I have.

I’ve been struggling with anger… a lot. My spouse has noticed that at some point in the afternoon, my mood changes and I become very snappy and argumentative. I brought this up in group yesterday and one of the members suggested that I write the time down when I or he notices my mood shift. I did this last night, about 5:00-5:30 pm. The trigger I don’t exactly recall, it could have been the home alarm we have that seems to go off every single time any steam arises from the kitchen. It could be the resentment I feel, whenever I feel like I am doing things he could be taking care of. I’m not really sure.

I reflected in group how all my long term relationships all have said at some point they all noticed how angry I am. That they felt like they couldn’t do anything right no matter what it is. I know I don’t like this portrayal. Yet, I feel like I have the Berlin Wall up and nothing will penetrate it.

Someone said to me today that they see it as a protective wall, I’ve put around myself. I know they are right. I asked aloud if perhaps questioning this wall means I am starting to put a “crack” in it? Kind of like the dam that slowly starts to leak before it floods wide open.

So I don’t know what it will take for me to truly feel emotions for adults. We talked about very heavy topics today and I know I was relating to what was being shared, yet I also checked in with myself and I felt “flat”.  Its like looking at a heart monitor machine and the flat line going across the screen.

 

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