I’ve been challenged. In group this morning, we were talking about my resentment to my boyfriend going to visit his family for an extended period of time. This is my 3rd year of this and every single time I feel the same feelings. I feel resentment that he is leaving and it triggers abandonment issues. I know that arguments arise that normally wouldn’t and I know I do this because it is what I know. Being vulnerable and scared is something I will not do, because to be that way means I am open to being taken advantage of.
I related a lot to a fellow client today. I was called on it by the doctor, who commented that pessimism can be hard to see the choice to be hopeful and take a chance. I said that by being in group therapy means I am working on breaking the pattern created long ago. I said my boyfriend is the first man who does not treat me as my past long term relationships have. He isn’t verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally abusive. We actually sit down and have conversations, there is no yelling or manipulation.
However, when it comes to him leaving on these trips, I become triggered and I feel resentful, angry and pissed off that I am left alone. I start nic picking everything that he hasn’t done, or hasn’t done it fast enough. All as a means to push him away, so that he can’t hurt me.
I was asked if I felt jealous as it has been commented on regarding my sister. Let me make one thing clear, I don’t feel jealous of my sister, I only resent that I wasn’t and still am not treated the same as she is. I know I never will be.
So the challenge, isn’t the going away, it is that he has a different life. He does have friends and family there. We live a quiet life, we don’t socialize much (he will, more than I at the moment) and we (I) generally keep to myself.
The challenge? Well the challenge is for me to vulnerable and not push him away……