I’ve probably mentioned in passing that sometimes when I feel triggered, my anger goes from 0 – 60 super fast.
On Monday this happened. A fellow patient was talking to another patient and I interjected and said that I was feeling agitated about something she is saying. I feel she is a “fixer”, someone who takes on other’s emotions and makes them her own. Well needless to say I flipped out, people said I acted inappropriately and that they felt that they were now unsure if they could share in the group for fear of “whose next?” feeling.
I didn’t make it to Tuesday’s group as I have been dealing with severe financial issues and I had to figure out how I was going to make it to my psychiatrist’s appointment on the same day.
Today (Thursday), within a few moments of group starting, the person who I have issues with says she has something she wants to say to me. I said “sure”. She goes on to tell me that she felt very hurt by what I said and then goes off on how I wasn’t there one day last week and I had no right speaking blah blah blah….. I became irritated ASAP! I said, you still don’t get it! This has nothing to do with last week, or the person you are talking about. This has to do with since I began group and you joined after me. It is simply an observation on my part. She wouldn’t let it go and I got up and left the room. I did it because I knew if I didn’t I would say something I would regret and I am a firm believer that once you say something it is very hard if not impossible to take those words away, if at all.
When I returned, I apologized for my outburst. A few people tossed options to me as to possibilities. One asked if my behavior would be a reason why I don’t have a relationship with my family. The other question I was asked was if I took the fact that “C” and I didn’t have a fight before he left for out of town and so I picked a fight in group. The other suggestion was that seeing someone care for others in a way I never received from my family caused me to feel angry and triggered.
In all honesty, some or maybe all could be reasons why I raged. Then again, I know the words “I was thinking of you all weekend” were the words that sparked my rage and the fact that I’ve seen this person treat just about every single group member in a way that reminds me of transference of what they are feeling on to her so that person no longer feels the pain they are in. It makes sense to me because she has that kind of personality.
I’m feeling angry as I type this, anxious as the knot in my stomach, there are some major, serious changes happening and they all scare the living day lights out of me. Right now, I sure could use a shoulder to lean on but unfortunately the only shoulder I have is my own…. THAT is something that I know all to well and I wish I didn’t.
I also feel very frustrated with finances being non existent. I’ve carried my household for quite a while now, even though I have been respectful that options for employment for my partner haven’t been like they once were, I personally am struggling mentally and emotionally with parts of physical and financial strains.