Its hot, its Summer and I’m fat!!! I hate everything, my clothes don’t fit, my legs rub (which is a huge trigger for me), and eyes want sleep a lot!
When did I lose my path of being able to wear anything I want and it looked great?
Yesterday I was sweating and I couldn’t handle my legs rubbing together! I have visuals of chaffing and open sore, my head spins out of control. I can feel my mom grabbing the inside of my thigh, telling me that she can grab a handful :(.
My desire is to find a fat farm, a place far away where I can shed the disgust that has become me. This day finds me with very sore feet and a gnawing pain in my mid back. I know it is from my gain in weight.
I’ve let myself down, let alone everyone else. I promised myself when I was a young girl, that I would never get fat because I know there are genetics in my life that make me a precursor to obesity and so i’ve worked hard at starving myself, binging and if the numbers on my jeans or the scale changed, I would do whatever it took to get and stay at a size 6/8 and a medium in my tops.
I exercised a lot, I took ephedra like it was candy so that when I worked out, I’d burn more and I didn’t eat, as I wasn’t hungry.
I gained a good chunk of this weight from my hysterectomy in 2011. The doxtors call it a radical hysterectomy because they took everything and it has left me with no hormones. I’ve learned I’m estrogen dominant as well I take medication for bipolar.
i’ve tried going back to working out, but I only know how to do it the way I did in my past. Its like I can hear the numbers shouting in my head. I hear ‘harder, more, that’s not enough, you won’t lose anything at the rate your going’
Yet, no matter what I’ve done, the weight would go up, not down. I did do better with a naturopath, however being on disability, I can’t afford to continue seeing her, or buy the herbs that were helping to get my body back in balance. The same goes for changing my diet, to removing gluten, startches, and the like. I have done Weight Watchers, Hcg, Curves, Karate (where my heart lays), but I cant afford those either.
I walk my dogs as much as possible and did so this morning and got in 30 mins before the days heat kicked in, so at 530am, I enjoyed the crisp mirning air, and seeing wild rabbits enjoying their quiet morning.
I tried to recite the Serenity Prayer and fir the first tome in,a long time I couldn’t remember the words!
I have done the testing required to be considered for an eating disorder program. So far I’ve done the ecg which was great at 71bpm, I had my blood pressure taken which was 118/80 and the blood draw of various tests the clinic wants of me to have done prior to having me accepted into program.
I hope my days of using baby powder on my thighs will come to an end soon. Maybe I will learn to accept instead of hate.