One Road Finishes; The Other Opend


Thursday is my last day at my interprocess group therapy. 18 weeks of weekly 90 minute sessions, 3 days a week. I’ve experienced challenges on my thoughts, behaviors that have been tested and suggestions given.

Now, i’ve started to go on outings, not related to appointments. I’ve been able to go 3 hours before I become anxious about being far from home.

I’ve just confirmed my next program starts September 26. I feel better knowing I have something lined up.

My mood medication seems to be helping, which does give me optomism.

I’ve not had use if my laptop and it has really made updating my blog frustrating. Tonight i’m blogging with my android and I find it really slows me down. I know I really miss blogging and will have to utilize other ways to keep my blogging up to date.

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Acceptance of Kindness


I’ve been feeling very grief stricken today.  See, the reality is I do miss my family and as much as I long for them to be a healthy part of my life, I know in,my heart, that isn’t going to happen.

Finances have been hard and I have been struggling to not be anxious and fearful of going anywhere. I become anxious as I watch the guage go lower as I drive to my appointments or anywhere else. I find myself pushing the limits on how far on ‘E’ I can drive before I run out.

Today, I had to decide if I would go work out or feed my dogs. I had to decide how to make $14 cover what I wanted.

I remembered I had 2 large garbage bags which after returning them to the bottle depot, got me $6.65 plus the $14.

I now could get $10 at the cheap gas place and check out the clearance meats at the grocery store.

Karma paid me a visit today when I went to pay my bill I was short by $2.59. A man standing behind me offered to pay it for me.  I suddenly felt overwhelmed and embarrassed. I’ve been the one to give kindness to others, never expecting anything in return.

As I was near home, my neighbor and I saw one another and I pulled up to catch up. I told her what had just happened. She reminded me that there are kind people out there.

We chatted and I found myself opening up a lot more to her. Not sure why, but I did. She asked me if I wanted to borrow $100 to help me out. I told her I would but wouldnt be able to pay her back right away.

Suddenly, I blurted out and asked if she had any empties and she said yes. She offered them to me and I accepted them and tge money.

I have felt so heavy hearted, wondering what it is I have done to recieve this kindness.

Strangers and neighbors offering support, yet my bio family can’t even pick up the phone.

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Little Girl Growing


I know something now, that I didn’t really see, being consumed with anger/rage blocked my vision.

I recognized today and I’ve said it in passing that I do not want a relationship with my family. I know that anytime I have been around them, all the thoughts, feelings and expectations all come flooding back. I also am not a child, yet in their presence, the small girl,  the one who craved attention, to be noticed, well she comes out and it doesn’t serve any beneficial purpose.

All the anger, fears, emotional agnst surfaces and after that all resurfaces, I have to put it all away and that isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Therapy has been tesching me that there others who have felt the sting of words or the slap of a belt, wooden spoon or strap. The words of belittling, insultive and incredibly hurtful, not only hing out in my mind, stopping me from enjoying the world, relationships and employment opportunities.

The continued self doubt of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, or just plain pretty. The awkward young girl, trying to find her path.

I realise this is a large revelation and explains why my mood is of somber and lonliness.

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Fear and Self Loathing


Today I was hit between the eyes, everything I’ve been focused on seems small compared to what I learned.

Over the weekend I went and completed my blood tests. This morning I recieved my blood results.

I learned thay my HDL is 6.8 and my LDL is 4.4 both are high.  That means my cholestorol is at a potential for serious artery issues.I fell apart; the wind had been sucked out my lungs. This goes against all I have worked towards.

My instant thoughts have been to use all my old patterns, every single one of them!!

On the advice of girlfriend who is a nutritionist and trainer, she had a class at 7pm and suggested I give it a try. I felt my heart freeze up. The voices started saying “what will people say when they see you? Don’t stand near any mirrors.  I will be the only fat one wearing the most clothes”

So after a lot of talking with her, I tried the class. I didn’t stand near any mirrors, and I kept to myself.  I  realized my body knows a lot from muscle memory, so catching on to the movements was very easy. I didn’t care for the music, but that’s ok.

I feel very lost.

Fear and Self Loathing


Today I was hit between the eyes, everything I’ve been focused on seems small compared to what I learned.

Over the weekend I went and completed my blood tests. This morning I recieved my blood results.

I learned thay my HDL is 6.8 and my LDL is 4.4 both are high.  That means my cholestorol is at a potential for serious artery issues.I fell apart; the wind had been sucked out my lungs. This goes against all I have worked towards.

My instant thoughts have been to use all my old patterns, every single one of them!!

On the advice of girlfriend who is a nutritionist and trainer, she had a class at 7pm and suggested I give it a try. I felt my heart freeze up. The voices started saying “what will people say when they see you? Don’t stand near any mirrors.  I will be the only fat one wearing the most clothes”

So after a lot of talking with her, I tried the class. I didn’t stand near any mirrors, and I kept to myself.  I  realized my body knows a lot from muscle memory, so catching on to the movements was very easy. I didn’t care for the music, but that’s ok.

I feel very lost.

Baby Powder


Its hot, its Summer and I’m fat!!! I hate everything, my clothes don’t fit, my legs rub (which is a huge trigger for me), and eyes want sleep a lot!

When did I lose my path of being able to wear anything I want and it looked great?

Yesterday I was sweating and I couldn’t handle my legs rubbing together! I have visuals of chaffing and open sore, my head spins out of control. I can feel my mom grabbing the inside of my thigh, telling me that she can grab a handful :(.

My desire is to find a fat farm, a place far away where I can shed the disgust that has become me. This day finds me with very sore feet and a gnawing pain in my mid back. I know it is from my gain in weight.

I’ve let myself down, let alone everyone else. I promised myself when I was a young girl, that I would never get fat because I know there are genetics in my life that make me a precursor to obesity and so i’ve worked hard at starving myself, binging and if the numbers on my jeans or the scale changed, I would do whatever it took to get and stay at a size 6/8 and a medium in my tops.

I exercised a lot, I took ephedra like it was candy so that when I worked out, I’d burn more and I didn’t eat, as I wasn’t hungry.

I gained a good chunk of this weight from my hysterectomy in 2011. The doxtors call it a radical hysterectomy because they took everything and it has left me with no hormones. I’ve learned I’m estrogen dominant as well I take medication for bipolar.

i’ve tried going back to working out, but I only know how to do it the way I did in my past. Its like I can hear the numbers shouting in my head. I hear ‘harder, more, that’s not enough, you won’t lose anything at the rate your going’

Yet, no matter what I’ve done, the weight would go up, not down. I did do better with a naturopath, however being on disability, I can’t afford to continue seeing her, or buy the herbs that were helping to get my body back in balance. The same goes for changing my diet, to removing gluten, startches, and the like. I have done Weight Watchers, Hcg, Curves, Karate (where my heart lays), but I cant afford those either.

I walk my dogs as much as possible and did so this morning and got in 30 mins before the days heat kicked in, so at 530am, I enjoyed the crisp mirning air, and seeing wild rabbits enjoying their quiet morning.

I tried to recite the Serenity Prayer and fir the first tome in,a long time I couldn’t remember the words!

I have done the testing required to be considered for an eating disorder program. So far I’ve done the ecg which was great at 71bpm, I had my blood pressure taken which was 118/80 and the blood draw of various tests the clinic wants of me to have done prior to having me accepted into program.

I hope my days of using baby powder on my thighs will come to an end soon. Maybe I will learn to accept instead of hate.