Fear and Self Loathing


Today I was hit between the eyes, everything I’ve been focused on seems small compared to what I learned.

Over the weekend I went and completed my blood tests. This morning I recieved my blood results.

I learned thay my HDL is 6.8 and my LDL is 4.4 both are high.  That means my cholestorol is at a potential for serious artery issues.I fell apart; the wind had been sucked out my lungs. This goes against all I have worked towards.

My instant thoughts have been to use all my old patterns, every single one of them!!

On the advice of girlfriend who is a nutritionist and trainer, she had a class at 7pm and suggested I give it a try. I felt my heart freeze up. The voices started saying “what will people say when they see you? Don’t stand near any mirrors.  I will be the only fat one wearing the most clothes”

So after a lot of talking with her, I tried the class. I didn’t stand near any mirrors, and I kept to myself.  I  realized my body knows a lot from muscle memory, so catching on to the movements was very easy. I didn’t care for the music, but that’s ok.

I feel very lost.

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