I know something now, that I didn’t really see, being consumed with anger/rage blocked my vision.
I recognized today and I’ve said it in passing that I do not want a relationship with my family. I know that anytime I have been around them, all the thoughts, feelings and expectations all come flooding back. I also am not a child, yet in their presence, the small girl, the one who craved attention, to be noticed, well she comes out and it doesn’t serve any beneficial purpose.
All the anger, fears, emotional agnst surfaces and after that all resurfaces, I have to put it all away and that isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Therapy has been tesching me that there others who have felt the sting of words or the slap of a belt, wooden spoon or strap. The words of belittling, insultive and incredibly hurtful, not only hing out in my mind, stopping me from enjoying the world, relationships and employment opportunities.
The continued self doubt of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, or just plain pretty. The awkward young girl, trying to find her path.
I realise this is a large revelation and explains why my mood is of somber and lonliness.