I have been having very overwhelmed feelings the last few days. I’m thinking it must be a drop from being manic of some kind.
So on Sunday I went through and cleaned out my closet and drawers. I filled a large orange garbage bag, plus a radio and a pair of runners. I had to do it, I can’t handle looking at my clothes in my drawers and closet knowing only maybe a handful if that fit. Mentally it has been freaking me out!
I went to Value Village yesterday to see if I could find a pair of shorts. As soon as I got there I looked at the size 13-14 and hoping I would find some with stretchy elastic but didn’t. I looked at the size 15 (gulp) and I suddenly understood what those who are heavy have said all along about patterns and designs being non existent. Each pair I tried, nothing fit, either too tight, camel toe, or too big and no way I could wear it. I’ve been an 8/10 most of my life. I worked at it, made sure I stayed at that size, and I guarded the numbers so my scale wouldn’t be against me.
I looked at tops and struggled with the XL part. I’ve always been a medium.
I tried on a bikini top, my boobs for the first time in my life, have become a challenge, something I’ve never had to deal with. I’ve always been a 34B-C now I’m at least a 36C if not more. The bikini top, with adjustment, works, but I start to become very self conscious when I start to see the outside of my boob show.
I decided to look at capris and found a pair of stretchy denim ones – size 15 I grudgingly put them on …. and they fit.
So I bought them, the bikini top and another top and left oh and a pair of thongs (sandals) as I miss wearing those. But later that day when I took the dogs out on the grass I lost my balance and pretty much broke them :(. That’s what you get for $1.99.
All the while I was trying clothes after clothes, I must have gone in that change room at least 3 times, the wheels of ingrained thoughts came rushing forward. Everything from how big I’ve become, to how horrible I look naked. How my hips have become bigger than my waist. Sure, Chris calls me sexy and curvy, loving how I look, but he knows it isn’t about what he thinks.
As the day went on and my depression grew, I reached out to the Eating Disorder program hoping to talk to someone, someone to help me find some kind of coping skills. Unfortunately there wasn’t anyone available, but there could be tomorrow and if not tomorrow Friday. So I left a message and hoped for the best.
Last night I went to bed and I was up literally every 2 hours… hot flashes/night sweats. Ice pack on my neck, cold water on my wrists, watered hands running through my hair, I was desperate and hoped that something would work.
I woke up for the last time about 3:30 am and pretty much decided to not bother going back to bed. I laid in bed, hoping to fall back to sleep even though my initial decision was to not bother to. I think I did, but don’t have a memory if I did for sure or not.
Later on in the morning, I received a call from the Eating Disorder Program… Megan is her name. Very calm voice, kind and she listened to what I had to say. First thing she said was she could hear the overwhelmed emotions in my voice. We spoke for a bit longer and she reaffirmed that she will be making sure that the Regional Director for the Program gets me assessed as quick as possible so I can start the program and get to work on my wellness.
She asked me to think of two things I could do as a means of coping with the uncomfortable feelings. I came up with call a friend for coffee and take the dogs for a walk.
I am beginning to think the insanity will ever stop.