Feeling Split in two

The last couple of weeks I have been having a really rough time.  I never have been good at change nor have I been accepting of when things are out of my control. I’ve been having problems with reality versus what is in my head. I have been telling myself that what is really happening is NOT what the words are in my head. The words in my head affect me greatly. They trigger weakness in my mind and that causes me not to care about decisions I make or the consequences of those choices.

I take my Lithium and my other mood stabilizers every day. I know they don’t alone solve every thing that is going on in my life, life is going to have bumps and ups and downs. Yet, when these mood swings hit, as does a trigger, I only listen to the negative, I don’t “see” what is the reality.

I told a friend this morning, I feel like I am split in half. I know for me and having Borderline Personality, I’ve often said I feel like I am split in two. The black and the white, or whichever style you want to call it.




Until recently I had thought I was seriously messed up. I have things I HAVE to do everyday. Sweeping the floors and even if I have, I have to do it again. Checking for my car keys. I can put them in my purse or pocket and will seconds later check to make sure I have them.

Cleaning – I will sweep and wash floors often. Sweeping more so than washing the floor, that is usually once or twice a week. I become so focused on what is “invisible” on the floor that I can’t see and therefore I have to clean it.

I like to walk outside a lot in my bare feet. I think I’ve always been this way, but even more so since my many years of doing martial arts.  Now, I HAVE to wash my feet every time I go outside. Suddenly I am wigged out over dirt and pine needles (which is now happening with the return of Autumn).

Weighing myself. All my life I have had major issues with the scale. Even when I step on it and get the amount I will weigh. I will, especially if it is very early in the morning, go back to bed, get up, reuse the bathroom THEN weigh myself again. Then and only then, will I take that amount as my weight. I wash my hands often, I smell them to make sure there isn’t a scent of a dirty dish rag or towel.

I am paranoid of not having control of my life. I will do whatever it takes to get to the answers I need. I know sometimes I need to be patient, but it never works. I will poke and poke til I get the answers I am looking for.

I’m not sure if these are traits that go along with BPD or Bipolar, but I wonder if they will go away.


Why the Instant Rage?

I feel it spew out of my mouth and I think of what was the last thing I was doing and/or saying and ask myself “is that why?” Is that why I just flipped out and yelled at everything in my path?

My heart starts to race when I feel the fire rise. I know I want to hold it back, but the words just spew out, like the lava flowing from a volcano, spewing after a dormancy.

I am starting to realize that there is more to this rage. There is more to why I flip out like I do and without warning. Right now I feel a hot flash, and it feels like I am about to melt out the fire that just came out of my mouth. The fear I see in what I scared, is the part I hate the most.  That is what causes those closest to me to want to shy away or walk on egg shells. I now understand why I would shy away when I hear voices rise and tempers flare.

I wonder if it will ever go away… this spewing of rage that is filled with instant hate and wrath so quick it even makes my head spin sometimes.

How many tools can a person learn til she gets “it” right? Furthermore, what is “it”? What is it that causes such a rise in my temper? From what I have experienced, there is a deep hurt and sadness in my soul.

I just hope some day to heal that deep hurt and turn the sadness to hopefully sunshine


Blinders and Reality

I haven’t been blogging like I need to be. I’ve been avoiding it.

Recently I had a conversation with a member of my bio family, granted it was necessary, it isn’t something that happens very often. During the conversation, which was pleasant, I received the information they wanted me to know; however, once I started to speak about what is new and has been happening to me, other than my current weight loss, nothing else was acknowledged.

I shook my head as I am reading the replies to me and I began to think to myself, when will there be acknowledgement? My mental health and eating disorder aren’t going to go away. I will always have triggers, but I am always going to improve my negative thoughts as I learn to understand them better.

I mentioned that my medication protocol has been changed; but it fell on deaf ears. At first I felt slighted, but with the guidance and support of my husband, I realized that to not be able to see past your own blinders, is sad. Sad that the fear of acknowledging that your daughter does have a mental illness, does have an eating disorder and she IS doing something about it, is nothing to be embarrassed about. My husband said that he is very proud of me and continues to be a huge support network to me as well as friends.

I have realized that family doesn’t have to mean blood.


Taking a bad moment and letting it go

Recently, an incident happened in my home. There was a spark that emitted from my electrical box. As you can imagine I was caught by surprised and suddenly scared. Did this mean my house would catch fire, Do we need to leave?

I instantly became angry. 3 years ago I bought my home, had it inspected, never thinking there were any problems. I should have realized when the same person who inspected it telephoned me in a panic saying that there was an inspector coming to see renovations recently done. I couldn’t understand, at first, why he was saying not to let this person into my home because if I did, the electrical wouldn’t pass inspection. I felt betrayed. Betrayed that someone who is supposed to look out for the safety of people, didn’t have the courage to say something as significant as your electrical box is not up to code.

Fast forward to this incident.

I am very thankful that my husband, someone who works worth electricity in his job, was able to review everything, decide what needed to be done and take care of it.

My husband and I talked about this situation and the possibilities of why I wasn’t told this situation sooner. For another person’s viewpoint I can see what he was saying, but the person inside of me, who has been continually let down,  has felt ignored and abandoned, didn’t. 

The one thing my husband said that has me writing this blog is that it is important for me to move past the anger. For me, anger is  not welcome in my world. It has held so much of my life that, I don’t have room for the new spots where healing has been taking place.

This is called Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is when you accept that sometimes moments and situations happen and as much as I want to stay angry and feel the victim, it is important that I don’t. Sometimes you just have to accept the moment as it is, and let it go.

Its not easy, and I am learning that emotional involvement clouds a lot of decisions when the past feelings try to come up and take over the real moment.