I feel it spew out of my mouth and I think of what was the last thing I was doing and/or saying and ask myself “is that why?” Is that why I just flipped out and yelled at everything in my path?
My heart starts to race when I feel the fire rise. I know I want to hold it back, but the words just spew out, like the lava flowing from a volcano, spewing after a dormancy.
I am starting to realize that there is more to this rage. There is more to why I flip out like I do and without warning. Right now I feel a hot flash, and it feels like I am about to melt out the fire that just came out of my mouth. The fear I see in what I scared, is the part I hate the most. That is what causes those closest to me to want to shy away or walk on egg shells. I now understand why I would shy away when I hear voices rise and tempers flare.
I wonder if it will ever go away… this spewing of rage that is filled with instant hate and wrath so quick it even makes my head spin sometimes.
How many tools can a person learn til she gets “it” right? Furthermore, what is “it”? What is it that causes such a rise in my temper? From what I have experienced, there is a deep hurt and sadness in my soul.
I just hope some day to heal that deep hurt and turn the sadness to hopefully sunshine