This past week I’ve been out of town for a wedding and meeting my hubby’s family. It went well, just as I knew it would.
Food has been my main focus this whole trip. What to eat because the food choices are either heavily processed or heavy in creams and sauces; I also was incredibly upset as I didn’t have a scale (no, not even in the exercise room at the hotel we stayed at),
One evening we dined at a 5 star hotel with 3 course meal. Variety to choose from, but nothing that would appease my conscious mind. The voices in my head jabbing at me, making me feel insanely guilty for everything I chose. I chose to have slivers of each choice, so I could show I was eating something, yet inside I was cringing. I felt so uncomfortable, I left to go to the ladies room.
Yes I was THAT tempted to self harm.
While in the ladies room, I looked at myself in the mirror, pretending to focus on my make up because at any time someone could come in and yep, a friend did come in. I could feel the knot in my belly, urging me to purge; but I didn’t. I was afraid someone would hear me.
I walked quickly to my spouse who was at our table. He asked me what was wrong, I told him what I wanted to do. He said very reassuringly that he was proud I didn’t act on my self harming behavior. He could see how stressed out I was about everything.
Over the rest of the weekend, I did look at my affirmations we were given at my eating disorder group, but I struggled to actually read the words versus scanning it. I ended up scanning it and if you were to ask me a specific one to tell you, I know I couldn’t.
I know that members of hubby’s family noticed that my food choices at the buffet we went to, were minimal compared to the heavy foods everyone else mostly ate. I just said I eat lighter and that I changed my eating habits a few months ago.
When we attended the wedding on Saturday, again there were choices, included deep fried foods. I could only allow myself sliver portions. Enough to taste, but not enough to become full. That night, I woke up with such an upset stomach, I was moments away from self harming. I just couldn’t take the knot in my belly, the gas or indigestion. I just don’t eat like everyone else does.
Today I’ve come down with a head cold and I felt incredibly nauseated. Yes, I self harmed. I felt myself no longer fighting whether I should or shouldn’t. All I wanted was everything to go away.
I’m not perfect, and yes, I did weigh myself today, just to appease my mind.
I do have group on Thursday, I will discuss this then.