Self Harm

This past week I’ve been out of town for a wedding and meeting my hubby’s family. It went well, just as I knew it would.

Food has been my main focus this whole trip. What to eat because the food choices are either heavily processed or heavy in creams and sauces; I also was incredibly upset as I didn’t have a scale (no, not even in the exercise room at the hotel we stayed at),

One evening we dined at a 5 star hotel with 3 course meal. Variety to choose from, but nothing that would appease my conscious mind. The voices in my head jabbing at me, making me feel insanely guilty for everything I chose. I chose to have slivers of each choice, so I could show I was eating something, yet inside I was cringing. I felt so uncomfortable, I left to go to the ladies room.

Yes I was THAT tempted to self harm.

While in the ladies room, I looked at myself in the mirror, pretending to focus on my make up because at any time someone could come in and yep, a friend did come in.  I could feel the knot in my belly, urging me to purge; but I didn’t. I was afraid someone would hear me.

I walked quickly to my spouse who was at our table. He asked me what was wrong, I told him what I wanted to do. He said very reassuringly that he was proud I didn’t act on my self harming behavior. He could see how stressed out I was about everything. 

Over the rest of the weekend, I did look at my affirmations we were given at my eating disorder group, but I struggled to actually read the words versus scanning it. I ended up scanning it and if you were to ask me a specific one to tell you, I know I couldn’t.

I know that members of hubby’s family noticed that my food choices at the buffet we went to, were minimal compared to the heavy foods everyone else mostly ate. I just said I eat lighter and that I changed my eating habits a few months ago.

When we attended the wedding on Saturday, again there were choices, included deep fried foods. I could only allow myself sliver portions. Enough to taste, but not enough to become full. That night, I woke up with such an upset stomach, I was moments away from self harming. I just couldn’t take the knot in my belly, the gas or indigestion. I just don’t eat like everyone else does.

Today I’ve come down with a head cold and I felt incredibly nauseated. Yes, I self harmed. I felt myself no longer fighting whether I should or shouldn’t. All I wanted was everything to go away.

I’m not perfect, and yes, I did weigh myself today, just to appease my mind.

I do have group on Thursday, I will discuss this then.



4 thoughts on “Self Harm

  1. Small but reasonable steps. You at least ate. You ate slivers instead of mass portions. You went to your husband instead of purging. Instead of looking at the big picture, just pick one thing, right now, in the present, do it right, and choose it as a success. You did those things. I’m proud of you. No one’s perfect. We are all in progress, and that is all you can seek, progress, not perfection.
    Honesty, beautiful. I’m glad you are able to say these things, instead of bottle them up and let them consume you!!

    1. Thank you for your comments. My blogging at times is my salvation. My hope is if it helps even one person, outside of myself, it was worth it.

  2. You are honest and that is apart of recovery and what makes you strong. I suffer with urges to self harm, sometimes I don’t and sometimes I do. Keep working at it. Stay connected with your husband and your support system. you will make it through. one day and minute at a time.

    Good Luck! Keep me posted!

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