I’m bouncing all over the place; my moods are swinging and in the mix is fear and anger.
I was asked a couple of days ago to look at forgiving myself and not the other way around. It was stated that when we mention that we will forgive someone, but we won’t forget, we haven’t removed the feelings. So in essence we are letting the other person feel released, but not ourselves. I struggle with this. I feel a hard feeling over my heart. I no longer feel the rage when some topics were brought up and they being the past, but what has happened is now there is a hardness.
So what’s it going to take to forgive myself?
I was reminded that whatever has happened to me, is not mine to own. I found this profound and something I had never thought of before. I have only thought about what has happened to me, the things I never had control over, the expectations I have had on those I should have been able to trust would protect me. Now, for the first time, it has been suggested “as food for thought” to consider letting all of that go and just focus on what tools I am learning and applying to my life.
I had no control over all that has happened and that explains so much of where my life is today. My intense need to control, my obsessive need for perfection, to creating my own family with animals. I didn’t know what it meant to have control over my own life but now I do, however, its the behaviors I struggle with now.
I struggle with emotions and emotional outbursts. I struggle with intense fears of abandonment and I try very hard to remind myself I am not my past; that I DO have control now, and I DO have control over who and what is now in my life. So why is it so hard to believe that I really do have control?