Random words fill the page, knowing they need to be spewed out of me or I may com bust. The last week has been horrible, actually as soon as Remembrance Day is over, then my internal hell starts.
Between the shortbread out on store shelves, the decorations adorn throughout the stores, the stirrings of hope of a different holiday experience, to the realities that it won’t be, the emotions and negative voices doing what they do best, its a wonder that I even wake up on Christmas.
Now to “just get through” the day. I remind myself there are people far worse than I, yet I hear inside my own head that what I am feeling is completely human. If it is so human, why does it happen?
I have my own home, I have my pets, my bills are paid, I have food in my fridge, I have nothing to be ungrateful for and yet my heart and my emotions, feel the longing to belong as they have my whole life. To fit in and know that what is your family, really is your family; that it isn’t some temporary fix bound to come apart because the band aid gave away.
My depression takes on a mind of its own, its not as simple as getting up and going to see friends or loved ones. Moreover I don’t think many understand what a person with mental *feels* on the inside; the wanting to go and do things, see friends who may be having an open house, but the fear, yes I said fear, although makes no sense to a lot of you, will make sense to those who struggle, like I do.
Part of me wants to spew venomous words of anger, hurt, frustration and fear hoping that the message will be understood, but what I want to be felt and what I know will happen aren’t the same. So I write, but today I write because I can’t take the emotions and turmoil inside of me.