Conflictions


Christmas 2013 is now to a close and I for one have never been happier. I am a lot more aware than I have ever realized before and yet I am conflicted.

For a very long time my daddy was on a pedestal, I idolized him, adored him, he could do no wrong in my eyes. I fought anyone who tried to tell me different. Through years of therapy, I went through a very painful experience of repressed memories. Things weren’t as they seemed.

That’s happened again…..

Through relationships, I have had 2 long term partners be placed in the role of knight and shining armor. Someone who protected me, someone who looked out for me, someone who I thought made me feel safe. I looked through the abuse and heartache always giving that person the benefit no matter what they have done.

Fast forward to Christmas 2013

I have always looked up to a family member, my little girl would always say how she would feel special when time was spent with her coloring and singing Christmas carols. That same moment has played over and over, year after year. Like a groundhog day moment.

This year, my little girl stood holding my hand, and we watched the room where we were. Conversations were flowing, children laughing can be heard all through the house. But I just listened and took in the moment and for the very first time, I really saw someone for who they really are; a normal, everyday person, who has troubles with his sons, and is no different than me or anyone else.

This is huge for me.

I have starved for a male role model my whole life I wanted my daddy and can see how I’ve sought it out in those who have dated me, became in a relationship with me, to an ex husband saying that when I asked for a divorce his words to me were “you don’ t need your dad anymore”. He was right.

I don’t have happy Christmas’ memories as an adult. Its not by choice. All I’ve ever wanted was my own family to create traditions with, memories of and moments to share.

I did spend a few hours with family and it did help, I got my wish and enjoyed a dinner complete with all the traditional fixings. It did help to see the kids laughing, reminding me of the true reason for the Season, it did help to catch up and see where friends and family are at. I learned that the unfortunates of one member is not looking so good, my hope and wish is he will get the help he needs, because quite honestly I don’t think the family could take another death by self inflection.

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