I know I’ve written the last few entries about my eating disorder and not a lot about my bipolar and borderline personality. I have been learning that all of these mental health issues are intertwined and one doesn’t out do the other.
I can tell you I have incorporated a change in foods for healthier eating because I am gluten sensitive and there are also dyes that I am reactive to. Sugar is a huge factor in setting off my rage moments. I learned that there is evidence of removing these items and the reduction of Bipolar outbursts. I also take magnesium, zinc and B6 for improving my sleep.
Dealing with my eating disorder is not even so much about the disorder itself, as it is about feelings, self worth, etc.
Since ED has been outed he has been an ass! He knots my stomach every day, he cramps my lower stomach and I get diarrhea. I talked about this today in group and I was asked if I am angry. I am, very angry. There is a lot of today’s session I had a lot of problems with and couldn’t work on.
One exercise was to write out “How Significant Figures in your Life Dealt with Feelings”
The piece of paper had two columns. First Column was Significant Person 1 / Second Column was Significant Person 2.
Then there are the 4 emotions: Sadness/ Anger/ Happiness/Fear.
I stared at the paper, blank thoughts in my head, I realized I couldn’t write the two people’s names and let my counselor know I couldn’t do this exercise.
I feel anger, and I know it is super deep.
After group ended, one of the facilitators wanted to check in with me. I told her I am not sure how to safely express my anger. Yet there is also fear and sadness. When I do allow myself to feel those feelings and a small tear wells up in my eyes, it quickly goes away; ED fights me and I want to be able to fight back, take control of MY life but I know I’m fresh in recovery, and ED is still very powerful.
I feel like I am in the fight for my life.