For over 30+ years I have kept you in silence, only listening to you inside my head and doing as you asked me to. In the privacy of my home did I answer to the self loathing, self abusing behavior, especially when I stepped out of your line and rules. You always said that so long that as I did what you wanted, I would see the benefits of the perfection.
Today in group therapy, we were asked to write a love letter to you. Right away I felt my heart race, I started to shake and I got up to go get a glass of water. Clearly, I needed few moments to think. The first question asked “What do you love about your eating disorder?” I muttered that to myself as I walked up the hall, how do I answer that?
So below will be the exact words and questions asked. I could put it in flowery words, but that simply is not me. I’m sure as my 18 months of recovery program goes along, I will realize more about myself and perhaps change some of my thoughts. But for now, in this moment, this is what I said.
- What do you love about your eating disorder?
- What does it give you?
- How has it “been there” for you…helped you copy… give you solace?
I love that my eating disorder gives me power. It gives me confidence when I try on my smaller clothes and they fit me. But I also hate my disorder when I start to feel uncomfortable and he beats me up inside my head.
My eating disorder has “been there” with reminding me how pretty I will look if I follow through with the plan. That “ED” loves me and reminds me that my family doesn’t.
It has helped me to cope by reminding me that by staying on the program, I will have a good number on the scale tomorrow.
As for solace, I’ve only ever experienced negative. Perfection is everything.