Last night after posting about opening my Pandora’s Box which you can read here in case you haven’t https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/pandoras-box-i-opened-it/, I experienced an incredible amount of anxiety and emotion.
“ED” (short for eating disorder and this is how I will refer to him from now on) is mad (and I say that politely) because he has been “outed”. I could hear him yelling at me that “he has been there for me since about the age of 12 when no one else was and this is what I do to him?” Over and over, I walked up and down the hallway of my home, saying “go away” and yet I knew ED is mad.
I started to experience anxiety symptoms, a knot in the pit of my stomach grew, my hands shook, I became warm and just wanted this feeling to go away.
My spouse was home so he was incredibly supportive as is my dog, Blaze. He just senses and knows when I really need him. When I went to sit down on our bed, he laid between my legs and he just stayed there, knowing I needed him. When he sensed I was in a better place, he put himself to bed in his kennel.
Today I woke up feeling very tired, which makes sense because I didn’t sleep very well. My stomach has been feeling not well either. I suspect it is all to do with yesterday. I also called my therapist, she said that I had a huge day yesterday. She also said that ED likes secrets that is how he thrives! So it makes sense ED is mad at me.
I am to be kind to myself today, to feel whatever emotion that comes up and to not stuff them down. That’s hard, because I have always been seen as “strong”.