Today I have seen what happens when ED is happy. I did my weekly routine and there are losses, ED is very happy. Of course he is, there are losses involved, which means I can treat myself to something but it must be something small; overindulgence is not allowed, it goes against perfection.
We went to the movies on Friday night, I ordered the kid’s size popcorn with water. Why do I mention this? Simply because it is an observation and how much ED controls everything I do. What size is my meal, what do I eat, not eat, drink, not drink.
I met with my therapist on Friday and we spoke about what had transpired and she said that all I am going through right now, is the beginning of change. Change so that I can begin to feel emotions. She related it to having an addiction. Alcoholics give up alcohol, drug users give up drugs and even though the issue with an eating disorder can be about food, it isn’t always.
During our session, we did talk about exercise, I told her my history of over-exercising and that now I am afraid to simply go and enjoy. That I start off with the best of intentions an hour x2 a week, may grow to x3, x4 or x5. In my past I used to work out 2 hours x4 days with 3 hours on Saturday. I was addicted.
We discussed how I have a good support system, I have my spouse, my therapist, and my groups. I can check in with them and if I feel like I am overdoing it or have over indulged to bring it up and it can be explored.
My psychiatrist and I spoke this week and I asked him if it is possible to overcome an eating disorder. He said that it can be controlled.
I know I am in a vulnerable place, but with just learning how much ED is in my life, is it really possible to overcome him and have control?