Food and Feelings

I’ve been participating in a weekly group and right now we are doing a series called “Building Compassion”. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I truly understood what this series was going to involve. My case worker asked me if thought it sounded “fluffy” and I said yes definitely. Far more inviting that what I am experiencing right now.

Here’s the thing, for about 2 weeks now ever since my letter to my eating disorder quite a few things have come to light; for one thing I never acknowledged I had an eating disorder. Even when I was down to my lowest weight at 5’3 and in my 20’s I never heard my doctor say “anorexia”. I disassociated from it. I’ve disassociated from so much that I have just assumed “thought and action” with food and feelings were the same. I see how it has kept ED happy, in fact until this program, I never met an angry ED.

Emotions are conflicted, as is trying to determine what is my body feeling versus what is ED doing. As my case worker says there is a lot of activity going on for me.

When I do the weekly worksheets, I draw a blank as I read the questions. I worry that I won’t break the depth of my protective layer. I’ve felt the level of wanting to cry, but then it goes away. I wonder if the ways of my past that have such a grip on me, will they be cracked and removed so my soul can be released and embrace the life of today.

Here are some of today’s questions:

  1. In what ways was food related to feeling? (how was focusing on eating when emotionally uncomfortable reinforced?)
  2. Can you think of some concrete examples?
  3. What does the critic voice say now (about ED behaviors)?
  4. What would the compassionate voice say (about ED behaviors)?
  5. What were unspoken rules and regulations about food in your family of origin?
  6. Did/do people close to you try to influence your eating habits?
  7. Were there confusing messages from those closest to you about to eat/not eat or how thin/fat to be?





4 thoughts on “Food and Feelings

  1. I wish you well on your journey to health and wholeness! Sharing your thoughts and feelings in such a public way is very brave–there are so many other women and girls who need to hear about this, and although you’re struggling yourself you’re a ray of light for those women.

  2. I think it’s incredibly courageous for you to be open and vulnerable about sharing this. The questions may seem difficult, but the inner journey is so worth it.

    1. Thank you Peggy, you are right the questions are immensely difficult however, as my caseworker says you have to fight through the pain to get to the other side.

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