I’ve been participating in a weekly group and right now we are doing a series called “Building Compassion”. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I truly understood what this series was going to involve. My case worker asked me if thought it sounded “fluffy” and I said yes definitely. Far more inviting that what I am experiencing right now.
Here’s the thing, for about 2 weeks now ever since my letter to my eating disorder quite a few things have come to light; for one thing I never acknowledged I had an eating disorder. Even when I was down to my lowest weight at 5’3 and in my 20’s I never heard my doctor say “anorexia”. I disassociated from it. I’ve disassociated from so much that I have just assumed “thought and action” with food and feelings were the same. I see how it has kept ED happy, in fact until this program, I never met an angry ED.
Emotions are conflicted, as is trying to determine what is my body feeling versus what is ED doing. As my case worker says there is a lot of activity going on for me.
When I do the weekly worksheets, I draw a blank as I read the questions. I worry that I won’t break the depth of my protective layer. I’ve felt the level of wanting to cry, but then it goes away. I wonder if the ways of my past that have such a grip on me, will they be cracked and removed so my soul can be released and embrace the life of today.
Here are some of today’s questions:
- In what ways was food related to feeling? (how was focusing on eating when emotionally uncomfortable reinforced?)
- Can you think of some concrete examples?
- What does the critic voice say now (about ED behaviors)?
- What would the compassionate voice say (about ED behaviors)?
- What were unspoken rules and regulations about food in your family of origin?
- Did/do people close to you try to influence your eating habits?
- Were there confusing messages from those closest to you about to eat/not eat or how thin/fat to be?