On the outside, I appear like everyone else. I eat with others at meals, to hide the negative voice of ED as he will punish me later. I have been trying to challenge my social anxiety and while I do this, I notice that I have started to include alcohol to cope with the fears and anxiety of being in public. So now I have binge eating and purging with laxatives, as well as alcohol to help cope when I am out in public.
Body image sucks, as does living by a scale, my mood determined by what a number on the scale says classifies me as a good person or not. I’m starting to learn slowly there is more to me than that. Sadly though I’ve not adjusted to the tags on clothes. I know you can cut them out, but I’m no fool, I can tell the difference between sizes.
As each wall comes cracked and falls, another piece rebuilds and takes on a bad behavior. Although my hope is the behavior is shorter in time, than the life long behavior it has been. I know in my gut I want to live a healthy life, yet before me is challenge and conflict within myself.
These issues are multi layered. Anxiety, Self Esteem, Learning Coping Skills, Specialized therapy, Psychiatry, Medication, it has taken me so very long to get to where I am. I’m not giving up, I just feel aware, yet broken, if that makes any sense.