False Fronts

On the outside, I appear like everyone else. I eat with others at meals, to hide the negative voice of ED as he will punish me later. I have been trying to challenge my social anxiety and while I do this, I notice that I have started to include alcohol to cope with the fears and anxiety of being in public. So now I have binge eating and purging with laxatives, as well as alcohol to help cope when I am out in public.

Body image sucks, as does living by a scale, my mood determined by what a number on the scale says classifies me as a good person or not. I’m starting to learn slowly there is more to me than that. Sadly though I’ve not adjusted to the tags on clothes. I know you can cut them out, but I’m no fool, I can tell the difference between sizes.

As each wall comes cracked and falls, another piece rebuilds and takes on a bad behavior. Although my  hope is the behavior is shorter in time, than the life long behavior it has been. I know in my gut I want to live a healthy life, yet before me is challenge and conflict within myself.

These issues are multi layered. Anxiety, Self Esteem, Learning Coping Skills, Specialized therapy, Psychiatry, Medication, it has taken me so very long to get to where I am. I’m not giving up, I just feel aware, yet broken, if that makes any sense. Famous-Thoughts-Quotes-with-Images-Positive-thought-Always-end-the-day-with-a-positive-thought.-No-mater-how-hard-things-were-tomorrows-a-fresh-opportunity-to-make-it-better



4 thoughts on “False Fronts

  1. We become what we think. It’s important to consciously monitor our thoughts and replace the negative ones with positive ones–affirmations. Some people may view this with great skepticism: How can I just will myself with some new-age mumble jumble? But what are affirmations but statements? What are negative thought patterns but statements? What are positive thought patterns but statements? Therefore, change your thoughts and you become what you constantly think.

    1. Thank you for your words. I do understand what you are saying, it is baby steps however. For me to write this out shows me that I am acknowledging there is a progress, even through the fog.

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