July 24, 2014, a day I will never forget, a piece of my past surfaced that I didn’t even know existed. Shocked and confused I pushed through the emotions. Anxiety set in, I was going to write out my food cop’s inner dialogue, I have never ever shared that with anyone before. Words started to flow as I wrote them out on my picture as to what my Food Cop says to me. Suddenly something came out of me I never saw coming.
“Its your fault your dad died”, “If you were more like your sister, you would be loved”
There are more, but for just a moment, I will work on these two. I remember feeling so many emotions as I saw these two sentences. Suddenly I felt scared, anxious, teary, sad to name but a few that I remember. Not only had I never thought about blaming myself about my dad’s death, but the one thought about my sister in times growing up, sure I had jealousy, but I never saw it as a contributing factor with my Food Cop. This is my personal food cop, feel free to click on the photo to see what I have written.
A week has passed and my binging behaviors have been very out of control, old patterns have been in full swing and by that I mean drinking to excess, over eating, not eating, making myself sick on purpose, calling myself very terrible names in the mirror and just in general.
Today I just couldn’t take it anymore, I contacted my therapists, unfortunately they weren’t available. I reached out to the one person who has been there through this journey of hell. She answered.
She spent about 15 to 20 minutes working through with me why I was feeling what I was feeling. See, this woman who was my very first contact in mental health instantly “got me”. She knew I had Borderline before I even knew I had borderline. We talked about how Borderline people see things very, very differently than the average person. We don’t see things in grey, we see them in black in white. We are very competitive and will do whatever it takes to win.
She enlightened me to see that the root of my issues are with my little girl. We talked about honoring the little girl within me, that although my adult intellectual side knows what is going on, my subconscious that is attached to my heart, soul and emotions (which is controlled by my little girl) is very upset. Consequently both are colliding. My little girl has been neglected and abandoned for a very long time and she is demanding to be noticed now. When I don’t notice her, she feels brushed aside and the only way she gets her attention is by doing what she has been doing.
The movie “A Beautiful Mind” instantly came to mind as the character John Nash, a man who is a mathematical genius struggling with schizophrenia. The reason my situation drew me back to this movie is that in it, Russell Crowe’s character, John, has 3 significant people continually around him, one being a little girl. Through the movie, she would surface and he would be drawn to her, sometimes she would be very demanding and he wasn’t able to address her. This is what I have been doing.
As John Nash sought help with his schizophrenia, with the means of ECT back in the 1960’s it is nothing like it is now, and with the aid of medication and therapy, John slowly began to heal and each time the 3 characters came to him in his mind, although tempted, he would be able to reduce his contact with them. To me this represented his healing process. The little girl was probably one the most difficult to let go.
I realized that although I am not schizophrenic, I relate to this movie incredibly well. I relate to the theory, I relate to the subconscious acting in the manner that John’s had been and I too am hopeful that with work on recognizing and acknowledging mine, my little girl will start to trust me, so I can be on my way to a healthy mind.