Robin Williams death has brought me full circle. 20 odd years ago, it was first suspected I was struggling with major depression as a result of a break up that was very abusive. However, my family doctor back then questioned me being bipolar. I was put on medication, had a stay in the hospital and then was placed in group therapy.
Nothing was ever talked about. I worked full time and I was paranoid if I said anything, I would be fired or deemed unreliable. As it was I already caught every cold and flu that would get passed around the office…. The stigma was so strong, that it made me freeze inside.
I lived alone (for the most part) and would do whatever it took to not be. I binge drank, which I have learned often goes hand in hand with Bipolar and Depression. I barely spoke to my family, if at all and inside I felt dead. All I wanted was someone to support me, to understand what I wasn’t. I didn’t know what depression was let alone bipolar.
Sexual behaviors were high right up there with binge drinking. Anything to numb the overwhelming darkness, the flatness of the life I was living. The proverbial hell that didn’t seem to be changing whatsoever.
Depression at one point very nearly took my life. All I could see was black inside my mind’s eye. Yet, the only thing I could also see was a white rope, no top or bottom. I made a promise to myself that so long as I saw that rope, I would not take my life. Earlier this week, a therapist said to me, when I questioned why I wouldn’t take my life, she said that perhaps it was my little girl who inside of me, never felt love and she was the one who was stopping me. It has left me wondering and in a lot of ways it makes sense.
Today, I am over 4 years in with solid therapy and outpatient group therapy. I have a psychiatrist who has helped me with putting me on medication that seems to helping me. My dream is to have control over the behaviors that I have carried all my life. I am beginning to understand that the behaviors of my childhood have formed my beliefs today. Slowly, as each belief is challenged I am learning how to break the belief and put it in its rightful place.
My goal is that when I am in my senior years, that the bulk of my demons are faced or diminished. I know there is no timeline or schedule. As well I have to keep in mind with the gray Fall and Winter that I live with.
I am on permanent disability and as for going back to work, it is unlikely. I do like volunteering and have a couple of things I do that help my self worth.