My emotions are surface; a moment they are full of rage and anger; the next tears are welling up at moments of unexpectedness.
Here in Canada, Monday is Thanksgiving. It is the start of the major Holiday season. I do not do well with holidays period. Holidays have represented family, family get togethers, family traditions, a time where everyone was together, even if they didn’t like the other, they still were there.
I don’t have that anymore. In fact, I seldom see my family or have dinner with them. When I speak of family I mean my immediate family. My cousins etc., I do hear from fairly often via social media.
Recently I had a connection with my family and it felt nice. It was strange and at first uncomfortable, because I have been on my own for so long, that I wasn’t sure I could trust. It appears it is short lived. As much as I reminded myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up for an invitation to spend some time with my family, I am disappointed. I reminded myself several times that I did not want to go back into the past and be the woman who sat in tears hoping and praying the phone would ring.
I’m not going to lie the tears I felt yesterday and today (especially the ones today), I’m not 100% sure what they are over.
I did go look at my list of things that I could do physically to help get the emotions out of my body.
- I chose to rip newspapers
- I chose to cook dinner
- I chose to walk all 3 of my dogs one at a time (I began to feel each foot placement and visualize the anger leaving)
- I chose to write in my offline journal
- I chose to clean my blinds with Clorox wipes (wow did they need it!)
- I chose to continue with a novel I’ve been reading and have already chosen the next one.
I just need to remind myself it is just another day and I will get through it. If I need to reach out to someone I know I can.