Being around friends can sometimes be a challenge for me. My past behavior when I didn’t know that I am Bipolar and Borderline Personality caused me to lose friends because of my eradicate behavior. Over the last 4 or 5 years as I have been in treatment and working with my psychiatrist, some people have come back to my life. The commonality that is often said to me whether it be a therapist or a friend is “you are very determined and honest about your recovery”.
Yet, I do feel uncomfortable when around my friends. For the ones who know me from my past, I keep expecting the judgments to role off their tongues or the sarcasms of behaviors I’ve long since broken down and processed. I guess feeling fragile is to be expected.
I do have a friend who has a really good understanding of what I live with. To be told that they know I wanted to change and that is why I’ve worked and continue to work on myself had me thinking of why that was said to me. After thinking about it for a little bit, I approached my spouse and asked him what he thought. He said that it isn’t so much that the person is proud of me, it is that they see there is “hope” with someone who has a mental illness work at wanting to have as functioning of a life as possible. That means a lot to me.
My temper flared up today because I was working on my fish tank and as I was putting the lid back on it flipped out of my hands and onto the floor. I instantly screamed in rage and anger, versus say calmly picking it up and seeing if it was broken. This, this is the stuff that still freaks me out with the behavior of anger/rage versus seeking calmness when dealing with unexpected accidents. This makes me wonder if I will ever live a life with a behavior of reacting calmly.
Hope your all having a great Sunday!