I wrote those words down yesterday as a reminder to me of when the hard times hit and they do, to remind myself that it will pass. Static means up and down, windy and seldom straight.
Recently in group therapy we spoke about our eating disorder and how what rules it has for us individually. Instantly, I hesitated. I remembered the last time I spoke out against E.D. (I fell backwards for a good week, bad behaviors, relapse E.D., a lot of anger and rage). I did speak to the facilitator about it and we agreed that I would write out what I was feeling and see how I felt afterwards.
Here is what I wrote:
“I feel very unsettled inside. The last time I felt this way was in a “tool kit” session surrounding E.D. and exposing him. Afterwards for about a week, I reacted with behaviors of anger/rage because of exposing E.D.”
E.D. has rules for me:
- I should always appear “together” on the outside (clothing, nails, hair, always well presented). E.D. never wants anyone to know about him.
- I must never eat breakfast or lunch (other than to take my medication), dinner is ok.
- Raw vegetables are ok as they will keep me skinny.
- I must be a certain size and right now I am not, so E.D. belittles me and beats me up inside
- Only fat people wear jogging pants and so I don’t wear jeans or dress pants (because E.D. won’t allow me until I reach the number I need to be in the size of my clothing.
- I have a number taped to my scale that E.D. wants me to be. I step on the scale many times and will “play” with the numbers to make him happy
- E.D. doesn’t like me looking in the mirror because I look unattractive
- E.D. doesn’t like me to piss him off
- When I have overeaten, E.D. puts a restriction on me the following day until he feels I am allowed to eat
- E.D. makes it known that if I disobey him, my anxiety/depression creep up because he sees me as a failure thereby my mental illness sky rockets.
These are just some of the rules my eating disorder has put on me. I didn’t have as many as I do now, because I sat down and really thought about the rules. I know there will be more, I just haven’t dove in hard enough to find them all. They will come…. baby steps….. Then, then the work of breaking them down will come.