I struggle tonight.
Having a mental illness and an eating disorder make life a challenge sometimes.
Today in group we were looking at what my worst fears about my recovery are. Like a few things that have transpired in this group, it means examining my eating disorder and challenging him. Each time I do so, he throws crap back at me. I feel like all I want is to part like the red sea and walk down the middle to clear thinking and not distorted thinking. Its tough, but I want to believe not impossible.
I fear not having a foundation. A foundation for me means having something in place, whether it be a support group, friends who are in program, friends who understand; these are easier said than done. The other fear is that after I reach recovery that I will replace my eating disorder behavior with another addiction.
There are other fears surrounding recovery from an eating disorder:
- The pressure to actually being successful in a career
- Losing close connections with support members
- Having real, honest relationships
- Looking a healthy weight, or becoming what society views as overweight
- Pressure from others to maintain good health
Where do I go from here? From the things I have learned, I need to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, perhaps find something to distract myself and hope that later on I will feel better.