My Voice

Trigger Warning:

I am really struggling. I am isolating, I could go out but don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to go places and see friends and couples. My Bf is away with his family and so a text or call will be my Happy New Year.

It’s a really hard struggle, insomnia, depression, changing out of your pj’s to go to the store but to come home and then back on again. I’ve been writing in my gratitude book, hoping that would snap me out of this mood, but it hasn’t.

Its not as simple as dressing up and going out. I wish it were. I hear a friend’s voice and the comment given to me about how special I am and how my friendship is important, but somehow that isn’t pushing me with confidence.

I see all these status and I want to throw up. I think shutting my computer is probably best.

Happy New Year



The Perils Of Christmas

The holidays are almost over and I for one can’t wait. I spent a couple of hours with my cousin and her family for dinner and then came home, where I wanted to be.  It was good to see them, their extended family and her children, who couldn’t bee any sweeter.

See, I’ve been in a bad place for a few weeks now, and I’m trying to rise above it, yet it is very, very hard.

I had a dream that I had committed suicide. I had left yellow stickiest saying “suicide” on them. I’ve never had a dream like that before. I still see my “white rope” in my minds eye and have no intentions of taking my life.

I had an invitation for Christmas Eve, but I couldn’t make myself walk out the door. However, a message was sent to me that made me realize I do matter when I thought I don’t.

My bio family just doesn’t seem to get me or my mental illness. On Christmas Eve when I sent out messages of Christmas Cheer, not once was I asked how I was, what were my plans, would i like to join them or simply how are you doing? I relayed that I wasn’t in a good head space right now and the reply was that I could call tomorrow or in a few days.

Food wise, I’ve eaten but not to excess. Last night and today I’ve not been feeling that well and am hoping it is a simple bug that is working its way out of my system. Overall I’ve not had a huge interest in food, however, meaning my eating disorder is running my behaviors right now.

Now on to New Years Eve. I’m already thinking to this date and deciding what I am doing.

The Courage to push

I wrote this on my Facebook and decided to make a blog on it. It says exactly how I feel.

The holidays are tough for a lot of people, including me. Depression, Social Anxiety and other mental illness flair. It has taken me a lot of courage simply by looking at a rock that was given to me with the inscription “courage” on it today; it helped me to get out of bed, dressed walk my dogs and do a couple of errands.

12 Easy Steps To Self Care

Self Care is not about self – indulgence, its about self-preservation 

Audrey Lorde –

 bows  I  know that we are all approaching the busiest and most stressful time of the year. With that comes over extending ourselves and not taking care of our own mental, physical and emotional health.

I am going to be making sure to use as many of these 12 Steps to Self Care and if you can, I would encourage you to.

  1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it
  2. Say “exactly” what you mean
  3. Don’t be a people pleaser
  4. Trust your instincts
  5. Never speak bad about yourself
  6. Never give up on your dreams
  7. Don’t be afraid to say “No”
  8. Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”
  9. Be kind to yourself
  10. Let go of what you can’t control
  11. Stay away from drama and negativity
  12. LOVE



Recently I experienced a situation where my rage came out and it frightened people. In this situation the trigger was someone who wouldn’t stop pushing with her comments to the point that I finally answered back. When I did my frustrations rose and rose to the point I retaliated and when that happens my control goes out the window.

I saw my psychiatrist today and discussed this with him. He didn’t have much in terms of advice except that triggers can and often do cause one to be reactive.

I feel frustrated in that I have done a lot of work on myself mentally and emotionally but I don’t have control over my anger. This, is not ok with me. I realize that these things take time, but how much time does one need to get a hold of my emotions so that this type of outburst doesn’t happen and I scare people?

I do apologize for my outburst but the one who started didn’t; she came across as very self centered. She just kept saying that she has a voice and is entitled to use it. What the hell has that got to do with the situation she caused?

I’m waiting til after Christmas Break when I will start 3 mini groups on anger, hopefully the cycle will be broken.


A Lesson in Success (Stepping Up)

self forgivenessI wanted to share this message that was shared with me earlier this week.

Imagine yourself at the bottom of a flight of stairs. There are a dozen steps to the first landing. Now consider how much progress you would make toward the first landing if you would only be satisfied getting there in one step. Even if you stretch your stride and make it to step five with one giant step, you don’t recognize the progress, so you step back to the beginning to try again. Even with a running start, you make it only to step seven. Back to the bottom step you go, defining yourself as a failure. Eventually you give up, accepting that you are not capable of making it to the first landing.

This scenario sounds ridiculous, but it accurately describes how far too many of us sabotage our own efforts by defining success in all or none terms.

By imagining the flight of a dozen steps, you can easily see how to get to the first landing, and it is obvious that you could just as easily make it to the next landing using the same amazing technique: one step at a time.

This very same amazing technique is how you can successfully recover from your mental illness. The idea is to build your whole recovery from smaller ~~ sometimes even tiny ~~ steps to progress. Your challenge (and your responsibility) is to become supportive of your own efforts, to learn to recognize progress as it is happening. For instance, if you have a problem with engaged in your behavior 3 to 4 times a week and this week you only engaged once, that is progress. Give yourself credit, and then get ready to take the next step.

What if you are half way to the first landing and you fall, tumbling back down to the bottom? The principle remains the same. Taking one step at a time is still your best bet. Feel your frustration, express it ~~ scream, holler, stomp your feet. Rest a little while, then start again.

Ultimately, it is persistence that will pay off

Forget about perfection

It is doubtful that there is such a thing as a person with a mental illness who is not, to one degree or another, a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist does not mean that you do things perfectly; it means that you are never satisfied with your efforts, you can never do anything good enough. Very advanced perfectionism manifests as a person who has stopped trying to succeed at anything that is important to them. This person doesn’t even make the effort because they paralyzed by the fear of failure. And remember, this person’s definition of failure is expansive, while her definition of success is very narrow, no to mention beyond human capacity.

In recovery from a mental illness of any kind, one very important way that you must be on your own side is in reminding yourself that perfection is not one of your options. Perfection is not possible for us imperfect human beings, and striving for the impossible does not make us better; it tears us down.