The Perils Of Christmas

The holidays are almost over and I for one can’t wait. I spent a couple of hours with my cousin and her family for dinner and then came home, where I wanted to be.  It was good to see them, their extended family and her children, who couldn’t bee any sweeter.

See, I’ve been in a bad place for a few weeks now, and I’m trying to rise above it, yet it is very, very hard.

I had a dream that I had committed suicide. I had left yellow stickiest saying “suicide” on them. I’ve never had a dream like that before. I still see my “white rope” in my minds eye and have no intentions of taking my life.

I had an invitation for Christmas Eve, but I couldn’t make myself walk out the door. However, a message was sent to me that made me realize I do matter when I thought I don’t.

My bio family just doesn’t seem to get me or my mental illness. On Christmas Eve when I sent out messages of Christmas Cheer, not once was I asked how I was, what were my plans, would i like to join them or simply how are you doing? I relayed that I wasn’t in a good head space right now and the reply was that I could call tomorrow or in a few days.

Food wise, I’ve eaten but not to excess. Last night and today I’ve not been feeling that well and am hoping it is a simple bug that is working its way out of my system. Overall I’ve not had a huge interest in food, however, meaning my eating disorder is running my behaviors right now.

Now on to New Years Eve. I’m already thinking to this date and deciding what I am doing.