I don’t wish to whine about all the negative things that have happened. I just want to figure out how to create a life wherein moments such as holidays don’t affect me like they do. That when they do happen (and they will), my “go to” place mindfulness will become so automatic that the emotional rage that often spews out of my mouth will be less.
I saw my psychiatrist this week and he says I am fractured (emotionally), meaning I don’t have balance. I like companionship but as much as I like it, when there is change I just can’t seem to handle it and retreat to living in a means of my own world. I shut down, I isolate and generally feel miserable. He asked me if I had been binging and I said that I had been. In fact I feel the vicious circle yet again. Before the holidays I was doing ok, holidays hit and I stuff my anger with food late at night and starve all day.
I went to my eating disorder support group which I was late showing up because I forgot about it. 3 weeks is a long time in a break, all of us were emotionally charged with everything that had happened for ourselves. I felt ashamed after i shared how my holidays went. I felt like I had over shared. I was told I hadn’t, but that others knew what I meant because at times they have felt that way too. I get really uncomfortable when someone in the group is incredibly upset is experiencing panic attacks and wants to leave once group is over, that person bolts. Even though I am hoping her feelings aren’t anything to do with me and what I shared, its those intense emotions that play in my head.
I am so exhausted, right now I can be wide awake til 230 am and be tired all day usually on 4 hours sleep; have dinner and by 7 to 830ish I am falling asleep. Once I get through that, its like I suddenly perk up again and will be awake well into the night. It isn’t a case of not taking my medications as I do every night. Part of it is a show I had been watching online, but even so, given that I can log in to watch it, I don’t think that is entirely all of it. I find when I force myself to go to sleep, my brain is busy, and my body restless. I hear every little thing, the smallest of sounds and I wake up. Its annoying.
Every night I reflect on things to be grateful for. It does help to write that out, as it shows me that life isn’t all negative and worthless. But honestly, I do struggle with OCD and I have it set in my brain that I must write 5 things to be grateful every night. No one has told me to write 5 things, in fact it has been suggested I write every other day as things will come easier to me. But I still write every night. Its like I enjoy punishing myself mentally.