Tonight something hit me hard. The kind of hard where the pit of your gut does flip flops, you feel the temperature rise and your knees fall weak.
Long ago when I was married someone did something incredibly cruel to me. I dealt with being shunned by people, my ex dealt with the stress of it all, law enforcement were involved, but it was before there was any task force involving computers and the like.
It took a long time (at least a year) until it was resolved. But the trauma done was intense. It affected my friendships and my marriage. To this day we never did know why the person did what they did.
Tonight a friend on social networking had a status up that at the time I didn’t realize was a joke. As I read it I clicked on the attached link and it took me to my name. The status talked about someone sharing named pictures and that they have asked that person to stop. In the mean time if we would help by clicking on the link to share and that’s when it took me back to mine. If you haven’t guessed someone posted photos of me that had been photo shopped doing inappropriate and disgusting things.
I just needed to get this out because I need to take some time to process and move passed this.￼
The last few days I’ve been manic. I have been rapid in thoughts, cleaning inside and outside. I raked my yard, cleaned my garden, washed floors, laundry, you name it I’ve done it. Combined with healing from my injections it’s virtually impossible to stay still or not have racing thoughts.
Then I fall asleep, crashing from the energy I’ve exerted. Nightfall comes and I’m awake sometimes till 2 or 3 am.
It’s a struggle.
Everything changes, my cravings for carbs goes up, late night eating increases… So not good for my body dysmorphia issues.
I seek things that give me peace…. Candles, incense, my pets, my partner, but in the middle of the night it’s very difficult as I don’t want to wake my house.
Its been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.
I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.
I realize this is fear.
I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.
I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.
I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.