I’ve known for many years that I disassociate. What this means is I don’t feel much other than anger/rage and anxiety. I haven’t cried in so long, that I can’t even tell you the last time, probably when my dog Rizzo passed away and that was about 4 years ago.
I realized yesterday at my group, that it is very possible I, in terms of the years of abuse I endured, have a subconsciou fear that the pain will happen again. I have layers of dissappointment, which I have transferred to many of my relationships in my life, even the unhealthy ones. I would unconditionally trust right off the bat, instead stepping in slowly and learning about one another. I realized that this behavior comes from not having my needs met as a child. I don’t wish to blame my childhood for everything that makes/made me who I am, but connecting the dots does help.
I will be doing some one on one therapy with this because I have layers of deep emotion/grief that I would like to work through.
I like to see this as growth.