Full Jars

 I’ve been experiencing anger and rage more than I like. I don’t like how it affects me, or how the emotion is shown.  At my therapist appointment this morning, I expressed how I feel like my anger is on my shoulders, like two torpedoes at the ready. My therapist commented that I’ve had a lot of emotions bottled up for a very, very long time. It seems that my anger is revealing that it is ready to start to work on what’s inside each jar. So I visualized my brain completely full of jars, labelled and inside pieces of paper with comments that are now needing attention.

We talked about a timeline and on the lower side I will write the negative words that I feel and the age that I first felt that emotion. Above, would be words that are healthy and resilient. I don’t need to open every jar all at once, my therapist said to simply choose the “easiest” jar and open it. The idea is whatever comes out of that jar, I need to sit with that emotion, however, before I do any of this work, it is imperative that I have my self care at the ready because opening up a jar, sitting with the emotion, at times will be very difficult, but the idea is to help me with starting to feel emotions, and less with the numbness that has been my shield for so long.

I’m not sure where to begin, I know it won’t be today, but it will start, I just hope I figure out what age I want to start at and if it is attainable at that moment with the notion that each piece of paper I pull out of a jar, I will visualize taking a clothes peg and hanging it out on the line as a way of reminding me that I am starting the process of healing.

BPD is really hard and I want to be in control of my emotions and not the other way around.