It used to be that I wrote daily, but for awhile now I have been reluctant to do so. You see, I have been doing some very painful trauma therapy and things have started to reveal themselves and they are very painful.
I’ve also been working with the topic of forgiveness. So for those that don’t know what that means, it means that I am working on forgiving myself and the other person but not forget what it was I endured.
So I’m in conflict and shock. Shock that one of the painful beliefs I have protected since childhood, revealed that I am really angry at my dad for dying, just as much as I am at my mom for not protecting me, nurturing me or teaching me what it means to trust someone, to love someone, to know what self esteem looks like.
These missed teachings during my childhood, have affected my decisions as an adult. I recognize that I can’t go back and change what I endured, that I can only go forward as an adult making adult decisions. The problem is the working through the conflict of emotions I’ve been experiencing.
I also miss my sister and my nephews. I forgive my nephews for they don’t know any better. But my sister, I feel so many emotions and yet, I know how different she and I are.
I think the difference between myself and my family of origin is I am facing everything and it is painful. But I know if I don’t, the pain and the hamster wheel I’ve lived on won’t end.
Now to face the upcoming month of December.