Barbed Wire

I am feeling very, very anxious. You have stirred up so much within me, the saliva that swirls around in my mouth, making me feel nauseous to the point that I can’t stand it.

The years of emotions, that you have pressed down with your wires and thorns have taken away my desire and ability to feel anything other than anger and rage. I don’t even know the last time I cried tears of happiness, let alone tears of sadness.

My fear is that if I take you away by cutting you with wire cutters, disposing of each piece one by one, rumor has it that little by little the buried emotions will come through. However, I can’t risk my BPD flaring so bad that I know I would  be put back in hospital and after 20+ years of staying away from there, this tells me that my fears are very real.

My therapist has said that my BPD doesn’t have to surface, and perhaps that is true, but I don’t see how that can’t be? I mean the biggest thing with BPD is the anger/rage and if you release the other emotions, as much as I would like to feel them, right now I can’t risk it.

So I am left trapped within my own self