How do you come to terms?


How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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Improvements and positive changes


Ugh! I have been sick for almost a week, went to the doctor…. yep sinus and laryngitis YIPPEE! NOT!

Its a challenge because my eating disorder starts gnawing inside my head about how I need to continue to exercise even while sick, that taking care of me is not acceptable. This is the same behavior I had when I worked full time. My mental health has always taken a seat behind everything else; just like my childhood and most of my adult life I’ve always belittled myself, or others have, thankfully I am recognizing more the signs and now I work on compromising more with myself. Its still hard to not give into my eating disorder, but I just have to keep practicing healthy behavior and communicate as much as I can.

Next week is Thanksgiving, not sure what we are doing yet, if anything at all. I’m thinking of asking my girlfriend what she and her son are doing; maybe we co combine and have a dinner.  Holidays become hard for me as they probably do for many; I am going to try very hard to focus on what I can do, even when my social anxiety/isolation kicks in; when that happens, it really feels like the walls are closing in on me. Depression also happens, and that is one that I have struggled with for many years. I am hoping the tools I am learning, combined with making sure to take my dogs out everyday helps me to get fresh air and some kind of exercise. I do miss using my treadmill right now, I’m hoping once my medication is more into my system, that I can go back to it later in the week.

My psychiatrist removed one of my medications last week, I’ve just started to not take it, but I am encouraged that I am down one less mood medication; I already take 2 now plus that one previously.

So one step in front of the other……

Let It Go


Let it go ~~

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.

Their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.

It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction
LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship….
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
LET IT GO!!! ॐ heart emoticon

T. D. Jakes
Photography : Jaime Ibarra

The Sting


You know I’ve never denied that I have “blank” spots in my memory. In fact, I try very hard to remember as much as I can. Years of mental, physical, emotional abuse caused my brain to “protect” my traumatised thoughts. Every now and again, when there isn’t a traumatic event and the place is calm and safe, I may have a memory return; sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Today’s happened to be in a place not expected, but then most aren’t where I expect them to happen. I’m not going to get into all the how’s and wherefores, let’s just say it came from a place I never dreamed of. My past has a way of creeping up on  me, when I least expect it. When something is brought to my attention, depending on what it is, can depend on how I will respond.

I was a very messed up, confused teenager. I did not have a diagnosis like I do now. I made plenty of mistakes and many choices were made as a result of the dysfunction in my home as well.  I was not stable, I know this now. When words are said to me that go back to that place, it feels like a “nail into my heart”. I felt ashamed that my past was that bad and moreso when I was reminded.

The sting felt far and wide inside of me; I contacted a friend who has been in my former group programs and we bounced it off one another. I just needed that person to help me filter and process it.

Words can sting especially when all one needs to do is “open mouth and insert foot”.

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Triggers and Facebook


What is it with people posting and others responding with the feeling they can bully someone for posting on their own wall?Earlier this week I experienced bullying myself and it triggered me because I hate derogatory comments and flame wars not to mention the social broadcasting of a family death over Facebook without even notifying me privately.

Social media has really desensitized people, in my opinion. No longer do I see any consideration of what a person may feel, its just put out there with no regard for anyone but the person on the other end of the computer, who seems to take pride in hoping to encourage an argument where everyone can see and contribute to or cast stones and judgment.

So how does one get through this? Most of the time I either scroll past it on my timeline, or if the person is seen as a constant s***t disturber, then I simply remove them. Drama lama’s take up too much space. My mental health needs as much calm and peace as I can arrange.

I’ve taken to my treadmill daily, I find it helps to focus on the endorphins while I am watching a comedy on Crave or Netflix. If anyone is looking for a fantastic British comedy, check Absolutely Fabulous. It has really gotten me through some stressful moments as of late. Plus, it makes my work outs go amazingly fast LOL!

Well this weekend is going to be hot, hot, hot, so I am going to be in my air conditioned home, making sure to use my treadmill and spending time with my pets. One of my favorite events is on tomorrow, horse racing – The Belmont, I’m curious to see if American Pharoah will attain the elusive Triple Crown, not achieved since 1978 when Secretariat won it.

In the mean time, be kind to one another – perhaps think before you speak, you may not realize how you affect the person on the otherside of the computer screen.

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