Mental Illness and False Beliefs


Never would I have seen the two connected, yet for me they are. The childhood trauma, emotional and mental abuse I endured, caused me to create beliefs that have been to protect me. Not being taught about how to control my emotions, or to feel loved and abandoned, I have carried my beliefs with me since then.

Now my trauma therapy has me examining and observing my beliefs. Its not easy, to examine something you thought was the “right” thing all your life. Here I am 40+ years later and I know the gradual changes will help lift the weight off my shoulders, however, right now its hard to challenge those beliefs. My therapist is excellent at helping me see the thought pattern.

I wonder how many others feel like me? How did you get through this?

I thought long and hard on whether to even write this, because I felt I wouldn’t have anything contribute let alone share.

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I Have The Power


To say my life has been quiet is ridiculous.  I’ve been attending therapy more often, because I am being activated and having my therapist to talk to helps me find my way through the chaos.

She keeps saying through our sessions that I have the power and can say no anytime I want. It feels very uncomfortable and scary. I said yesterday that I feel like one half of my body is my little girl and the other half is the adult.

She also wanted to put it out there that a lot of my dark emotions are historical, meaning they aren’t in the present. She recommended to me that when there comes a time and the emotions are so intense, look inside and see if they are present or historical. If they are historical, you can put them in a box, not to be forgotten, just not to be dealt with at that moment.

How does one say “I have the power” or I take back my power to those who have damaged you deeply? It sounds easier than it really is. Emotional and mental abuse is very damaging on a long-term scale. It is going on 5-6 years of steady therapy and group work to help me get my rage to a tolerable level. I still don’t cry, most of the time I abuse myself with my eating disorder, but if it is my animals then I know I will become very emotional.

I plan on writing more, and seeing how that helps me.

 

Under the Grief….. Anger


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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

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How do you come to terms?


How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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Bright Lights Home


Last night on Dancing With Stars, yes its a guilty pleasure once in awhile lol, I enjoyed watching Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough performing a contemporary dance to “Every Breath You Take”.  I found myself welling up in tears as Bindi recounted her memories of her father Steve Irwin. Let me tell you from the moment they stepped onto the floor, you could feel the raw honest and innocence being presented.

Half way through their dance, they flowed across the floor to which lights lit up around them and I “got it”, Bindi and Derek were dancing to her dad! I instantly started to cry because I thought of my own dad and how much I have lost without him here and how much I miss him and the significant loss that has impacted me.

Thank you Dancing With the Stars, Bindi and Derek for opening this path for me with the Bright Lights Home.

Bright Lights Home

Improvements and positive changes


Ugh! I have been sick for almost a week, went to the doctor…. yep sinus and laryngitis YIPPEE! NOT!

Its a challenge because my eating disorder starts gnawing inside my head about how I need to continue to exercise even while sick, that taking care of me is not acceptable. This is the same behavior I had when I worked full time. My mental health has always taken a seat behind everything else; just like my childhood and most of my adult life I’ve always belittled myself, or others have, thankfully I am recognizing more the signs and now I work on compromising more with myself. Its still hard to not give into my eating disorder, but I just have to keep practicing healthy behavior and communicate as much as I can.

Next week is Thanksgiving, not sure what we are doing yet, if anything at all. I’m thinking of asking my girlfriend what she and her son are doing; maybe we co combine and have a dinner.  Holidays become hard for me as they probably do for many; I am going to try very hard to focus on what I can do, even when my social anxiety/isolation kicks in; when that happens, it really feels like the walls are closing in on me. Depression also happens, and that is one that I have struggled with for many years. I am hoping the tools I am learning, combined with making sure to take my dogs out everyday helps me to get fresh air and some kind of exercise. I do miss using my treadmill right now, I’m hoping once my medication is more into my system, that I can go back to it later in the week.

My psychiatrist removed one of my medications last week, I’ve just started to not take it, but I am encouraged that I am down one less mood medication; I already take 2 now plus that one previously.

So one step in front of the other……

Let It Go


Let it go ~~

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.

Their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.

It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction
LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship….
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
LET IT GO!!! ॐ heart emoticon

T. D. Jakes
Photography : Jaime Ibarra