Accept what I don’t have control of


During my recent therapy session I took what I have been struggling with and discussed how the feelings of abandonment are easily triggered.  I realized with help that a huge part of my past is what has continued in my adult life. Until I recognized that acceptance of my past is the only way to take control of my feelings.

Acceptance, sounds so easily right? Those feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, denial all contribute to our emotions that we hang on to everyday. So I will be working on acceptance, learning to see the familiar feelings I feel when I become instantly angry and hurt. I realize it is going to take work, my therapist says to accept is one of the hardest things for anyone to do, not just me.

So what does acceptance look or feel like? Well I imagine it will be realizing I can discuss things without becoming angry or rageful. To start to feel my feelings as I have slowly started to do.  That discussions and thoughts aren’t simply black and white, which is one of the most common traits of BPD .

I may not overcome BPD completely, but I will continue as much as possible to heal the scars that have run my life. See inside all of us is a little person who needs to be nurtured. My desire is to learn when “she” starts stomping her feet demanding to be heard. Only to start to realize that the reason she comes out is because her needs weren’t met when she needed them most.

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Riding the wave of emotions


I have a mental illness… who doesn’t right?

The problem with my BPD is that my emotions are reactive or as some say “triggered”.  I have continually struggled with my “all or nothing” emotions or some would say “black and white thinking”.

So I go to therapy, I have for several years, I have learned so many helpful coping tools, yet when I am faced with the feelings of being abandoned whether it be friendships or something else, I feel incredibly hurt. Some people don’t react to things like this, some roll it off their back.  Some say step outside your safe box and meet more people, all of which I have done and do ok with it until friendships develop that are no longer acquaintances. Once change happens, it’s like I dove in head first and then “it” happens…… what I call the “shiny new toy” comes along and suddenly I am put aside as I am no longer “shiny”.

I have spoken to my therapist about this and I have tried distracting myself and it isn’t always easy.  Today those coping skills didn’t really do much and I have to accept that I am going to have those days. I am very familiar with the “all or nothing” feeling or “black and white” thinking. I have been told that emotions are like waves the key is to not get retriggered. I have yet to figure out how to “not” becomes retriggered.

So Sunday I sign off, I think  I need to blog more, this helped a lot.

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The Depth


This entire day has been an eye opener. It has left me feeling broken, threatened, anxious and overwhelmed.  I’ve started to realize that the core of my issues come from my childhood. Stuff that I didn’t even think about till I’m in my therapy session and it is during a quiet moment that the thoughts come to me, asking me to talk about them. It isn’t easy…..

That trauma from a major surgery years ago, can cause psychological problems now blows my mind. To feel like I’m broken, like a jigsaw puzzle, pieces that stay the same and some that change. However like the sky, pieces will get bigger, as it does at night.

Finding My Way Back is the title of my blog and I guess this is yet another way towards doing that. But feeling broken, ashamed and like a failure there’s no feeling like it. Even when you know the feelings and fears aren’t of your doing, I’m left with the result that I hope will work itself out with therapy.

This affects all my relationships as I have fears of emotional attachment to I back away. My therapist says it is my way of taking control. I also don’t like to feel needy to anyone. Yet my therapist said that feeling needy is also a positive way to feel vulnerable.

I’m at a crossroad.

WayneDyer

 

 

Now I know why


The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.

–Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert  Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

I am no longer alone….

I am so thankful to my caseworker who recommended that I read:

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It isn’t an easy read, many parts hit very close to the point of exactly my life. I take moments to read and I also give myself permission to take a break and process.  It is painful, that my life turned out this way.

The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to a unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible — not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

When I read that, it hit me in ways I can’t even say. This sums up my life, all of it. Yet, I know when I get ready to hit send to post my blog, there is that “little girl” who is afraid of “pissing off” my mother, but I have started to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to look after my “little girl”.

I haven’t figured out if my dad is apart of this dynamic or not, he passed away when I was 7 years old.

I feel like I have more questions, than I did before.

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Under the Grief….. Anger


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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

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How do you come to terms?


How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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Bright Lights Home


Last night on Dancing With Stars, yes its a guilty pleasure once in awhile lol, I enjoyed watching Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough performing a contemporary dance to “Every Breath You Take”.  I found myself welling up in tears as Bindi recounted her memories of her father Steve Irwin. Let me tell you from the moment they stepped onto the floor, you could feel the raw honest and innocence being presented.

Half way through their dance, they flowed across the floor to which lights lit up around them and I “got it”, Bindi and Derek were dancing to her dad! I instantly started to cry because I thought of my own dad and how much I have lost without him here and how much I miss him and the significant loss that has impacted me.

Thank you Dancing With the Stars, Bindi and Derek for opening this path for me with the Bright Lights Home.

Bright Lights Home