During my recent therapy session I took what I have been struggling with and discussed how the feelings of abandonment are easily triggered. I realized with help that a huge part of my past is what has continued in my adult life. Until I recognized that acceptance of my past is the only way to take control of my feelings.
Acceptance, sounds so easily right? Those feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, denial all contribute to our emotions that we hang on to everyday. So I will be working on acceptance, learning to see the familiar feelings I feel when I become instantly angry and hurt. I realize it is going to take work, my therapist says to accept is one of the hardest things for anyone to do, not just me.
So what does acceptance look or feel like? Well I imagine it will be realizing I can discuss things without becoming angry or rageful. To start to feel my feelings as I have slowly started to do. That discussions and thoughts aren’t simply black and white, which is one of the most common traits of BPD .
I may not overcome BPD completely, but I will continue as much as possible to heal the scars that have run my life. See inside all of us is a little person who needs to be nurtured. My desire is to learn when “she” starts stomping her feet demanding to be heard. Only to start to realize that the reason she comes out is because her needs weren’t met when she needed them most.
I have a mental illness… who doesn’t right?
The problem with my BPD is that my emotions are reactive or as some say “triggered”. I have continually struggled with my “all or nothing” emotions or some would say “black and white thinking”.
So I go to therapy, I have for several years, I have learned so many helpful coping tools, yet when I am faced with the feelings of being abandoned whether it be friendships or something else, I feel incredibly hurt. Some people don’t react to things like this, some roll it off their back. Some say step outside your safe box and meet more people, all of which I have done and do ok with it until friendships develop that are no longer acquaintances. Once change happens, it’s like I dove in head first and then “it” happens…… what I call the “shiny new toy” comes along and suddenly I am put aside as I am no longer “shiny”.
I have spoken to my therapist about this and I have tried distracting myself and it isn’t always easy. Today those coping skills didn’t really do much and I have to accept that I am going to have those days. I am very familiar with the “all or nothing” feeling or “black and white” thinking. I have been told that emotions are like waves the key is to not get retriggered. I have yet to figure out how to “not” becomes retriggered.
So Sunday I sign off, I think I need to blog more, this helped a lot.
The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.
–Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, The Narcissistic Family
I am no longer alone….
I am so thankful to my caseworker who recommended that I read:
It isn’t an easy read, many parts hit very close to the point of exactly my life. I take moments to read and I also give myself permission to take a break and process. It is painful, that my life turned out this way.
The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to a unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible — not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?
When I read that, it hit me in ways I can’t even say. This sums up my life, all of it. Yet, I know when I get ready to hit send to post my blog, there is that “little girl” who is afraid of “pissing off” my mother, but I have started to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to look after my “little girl”.
I haven’t figured out if my dad is apart of this dynamic or not, he passed away when I was 7 years old.
I feel like I have more questions, than I did before.