Now I know why


The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.

–Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert  Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

I am no longer alone….

I am so thankful to my caseworker who recommended that I read:

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It isn’t an easy read, many parts hit very close to the point of exactly my life. I take moments to read and I also give myself permission to take a break and process.  It is painful, that my life turned out this way.

The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to a unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible — not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

When I read that, it hit me in ways I can’t even say. This sums up my life, all of it. Yet, I know when I get ready to hit send to post my blog, there is that “little girl” who is afraid of “pissing off” my mother, but I have started to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to look after my “little girl”.

I haven’t figured out if my dad is apart of this dynamic or not, he passed away when I was 7 years old.

I feel like I have more questions, than I did before.

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Mental Illness and False Beliefs


Never would I have seen the two connected, yet for me they are. The childhood trauma, emotional and mental abuse I endured, caused me to create beliefs that have been to protect me. Not being taught about how to control my emotions, or to feel loved and abandoned, I have carried my beliefs with me since then.

Now my trauma therapy has me examining and observing my beliefs. Its not easy, to examine something you thought was the “right” thing all your life. Here I am 40+ years later and I know the gradual changes will help lift the weight off my shoulders, however, right now its hard to challenge those beliefs. My therapist is excellent at helping me see the thought pattern.

I wonder how many others feel like me? How did you get through this?

I thought long and hard on whether to even write this, because I felt I wouldn’t have anything contribute let alone share.

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I Have The Power


To say my life has been quiet is ridiculous.  I’ve been attending therapy more often, because I am being activated and having my therapist to talk to helps me find my way through the chaos.

She keeps saying through our sessions that I have the power and can say no anytime I want. It feels very uncomfortable and scary. I said yesterday that I feel like one half of my body is my little girl and the other half is the adult.

She also wanted to put it out there that a lot of my dark emotions are historical, meaning they aren’t in the present. She recommended to me that when there comes a time and the emotions are so intense, look inside and see if they are present or historical. If they are historical, you can put them in a box, not to be forgotten, just not to be dealt with at that moment.

How does one say “I have the power” or I take back my power to those who have damaged you deeply? It sounds easier than it really is. Emotional and mental abuse is very damaging on a long-term scale. It is going on 5-6 years of steady therapy and group work to help me get my rage to a tolerable level. I still don’t cry, most of the time I abuse myself with my eating disorder, but if it is my animals then I know I will become very emotional.

I plan on writing more, and seeing how that helps me.

 

5 years


I learned something very valuable today, a day of which is my last day in group therapy where I am at for a minimum of 6 months of what is called a step out.  I learned I have been in group therapy for 5 years and it just seems very significant as the changes that have been happening little by little can be scary. I’m not used to people saying I’m an inspiration or that they relate to what I share, yet at the same time it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone.

I’ve been working on a piece of writing for over a week now and I feel it’s time to put it into my blog.

“Learning to accept that if you blame or find fault doesn’t mean it has to be this way for me to start to feel the sadness and grief of the losses surrounding my heart.

That learning it is ok to start the process of removing the cracks of cement around my heart.

That the heavy feeling in my diaphragm is telling me it is time to start facing my issues.

Just because I am choosing to move forward doesn’t mean I’m forgetting my life experiences because I won’t, it makes up who I am and I am choosing to let go of the emotions and baggage so I can start to learn how to love me and enjoy peace in my soul.”

 

 

 

Working through


It used to be that I wrote daily, but for awhile now I have been reluctant to do so. You see, I have been doing some very painful trauma therapy and things have started to reveal themselves and they are very painful.

I’ve also been working with the topic of forgiveness. So for those that don’t know what that means, it means that I am working on forgiving myself and the other person but not forget what it was I endured.

So I’m in conflict and shock. Shock that one of the painful beliefs I have protected since childhood, revealed that I am really angry at my dad for dying, just as much as I am at my mom for not protecting me, nurturing me or teaching me what it means to trust someone, to love someone, to know what self esteem looks like.

These missed teachings during my childhood, have affected my decisions as an adult. I recognize that I can’t go back and change what I endured, that I can only go forward as an adult making adult decisions. The problem is the working through the conflict of emotions I’ve been experiencing.

I also miss my sister and my nephews. I forgive my nephews for they don’t know any better. But my sister, I feel so many emotions and yet, I know how different she and I are.

I think the difference between myself and my family of origin is I am facing everything and it is painful. But I know if I don’t, the pain and the hamster wheel I’ve lived on won’t end.

Now to face the upcoming month of December.

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Under the Grief….. Anger


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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

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How do you come to terms?


How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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