Get Out!


images (3)I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.

GET OUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY!

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I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!

Moods

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Full Jars


 I’ve been experiencing anger and rage more than I like. I don’t like how it affects me, or how the emotion is shown.  At my therapist appointment this morning, I expressed how I feel like my anger is on my shoulders, like two torpedoes at the ready. My therapist commented that I’ve had a lot of emotions bottled up for a very, very long time. It seems that my anger is revealing that it is ready to start to work on what’s inside each jar. So I visualized my brain completely full of jars, labelled and inside pieces of paper with comments that are now needing attention.

We talked about a timeline and on the lower side I will write the negative words that I feel and the age that I first felt that emotion. Above, would be words that are healthy and resilient. I don’t need to open every jar all at once, my therapist said to simply choose the “easiest” jar and open it. The idea is whatever comes out of that jar, I need to sit with that emotion, however, before I do any of this work, it is imperative that I have my self care at the ready because opening up a jar, sitting with the emotion, at times will be very difficult, but the idea is to help me with starting to feel emotions, and less with the numbness that has been my shield for so long.

I’m not sure where to begin, I know it won’t be today, but it will start, I just hope I figure out what age I want to start at and if it is attainable at that moment with the notion that each piece of paper I pull out of a jar, I will visualize taking a clothes peg and hanging it out on the line as a way of reminding me that I am starting the process of healing.

BPD is really hard and I want to be in control of my emotions and not the other way around.

He’s Dead …. next


I heard those words, just like that, for the first time in my life. It hit me hard.

I’ve always said my father passed away, I guess it just sounded softer than “he’s dead”. My last couple of blog entries have been about loyalty and betrayal. I even had a moment of tears well up, when asked what was I feeling, I said that I was feeling tired, tired of the confusion, tired of feeling sad, hurt, angry and any other emotion that doesn’t come out very often.

It’s hard to see that the only person I would be betraying is myself, I’ve always felt the complete opposite.

I’m working on accepting what was said to me and I know that at some point, I will go forward for me.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference


A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Loyalty


Atychiphobia – Its is also the fear of failure.

I don’t know if this an attribute to my mental health issues or not, but ever since I was a child, there are some things I am fiercely loyal to, one of them was my father and keeping his last name when my mother asked if I would like to be adopted by our step father. I felt that I would be dishonoring my father and his memory, I also said that I would only change my name when I got married.

I am now feeling anxious at the thought of going back to karate.I have always felt this intense loyalty to my craft in that going to another dojo would be wrong and be disrespectful to my Sensei and my fellow members. I think this may have more to do with feeling comfortable and being in familiar surroundings or is it something else? As I type this, I feel my heartbeat increasing, butterflies in my stomach, just a very uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it.

How do I overcome this fear of change?

I am really troubled by these feelings and feeling trapped and isolated within myself. Perhaps my trauma therapist or counsellor can help me figure this out?

I got lost


LostNo worries, nothing bad happened to me.

I think with the tail end of my therapy groups, the very hot weather where I live, my spouse has been away for 7 weeks, plus changing my eating and exercising habits, I suddenly had no desire to write because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the blogging sphere.

So today is the first time in a long time that I feel down. Hard to say exactly what has brought it on, but I am reminding myself that its ok to feel down, and pamper myself.

My garden has done ok, but my strawberries and sugar peas didn’t do well, the hot weather whithered them. Yet my cherry tomatoes and beef steak tomatoes are flourishing. I also have my very first green pepper growing!

I have started working with a new therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions with her and I’m just not sure about her. She isn’t into “talk therapy” she is more about working on the inside and bringing out the emotions that are trapped deep within me. She explained a lot to me yesterday about how we will go about things, which I understand better.

However, when we were booking my next session, the time she offered I said I couldn’t because I had a psychiatrist appointment. She commented if it was talk therapy and I said no, its more about medication checking, seeing how I am etc. She asked if he is open to me coming off of them, I said ultimately I would like that but I do realize that may not happend and I am truly at peace with that. I told her I am bipolar II and that I have been diagnosed borderline personality. She said she doesn’t work with labels and that they don’t exist. I said of course they do, its genetic in my family. She replied that when a person is in love or is sad, we don’t medicate them do we? I said no, but that is completely different.

I exercise everyday and I know i have an addiction, yet it has also helped me in many ways.  i feel more energetic, I get out of the house and take my dogs to an off leash park three to four times a week weather depending. I’ve joined weight watchers and it has really improved my way of eating and the support group is my favorite activity. I am encouraged when others overcome an obstacle I may be going through or may go through at some point. I’ve started becoming more aware of what my body does when I am overtired, how it craves surgar and how my eating disorder will play into that.

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to be re-entered into the eating disorder program. This is my second time going into it. I’m ok with that because now I am familiar with some of what is covered so it won’t be so overwheming. Its still for 18 months.

So tell me, what’s new with you?

Overwhelmed and feeling Depressed


GreenWelcomeI know I am remiss in keeping my blog up to date. This week has been busy with group dialogue and learning. Between learning how to ground when you feel anxious, to where on a scale of 1 to 10 not to mention learning what defense mechanism that may function with my eating disorder, I just needed some time to process and by process I mean, not look at anything til today.

I’ve been reading 50 Shades of Grey and I know why I am, it is to escape and let my brain relax. I’ve read books 2 and 3 and saw the movie on Valentine’s Day with my love. Now, I’m reading Book 1. I know, I’m weird lol, but for me now I can visually see the actors in all their parts, plus I can see what the movie didn’t include.

I digress.

I hit a car last weekend. I should reiterate, I hit the bumper as I was reversing backwards to the road, I didn’t realize at first and when I was notified I went and returned to where it happened. It will be handled though my insurance, just not thrilled that even though my liability will take care of everything, it does mean it will go up :(.

Yesterday, I was short fused and I could feel it. Everything has been irritating me and I hate it when this happens. Especially when I don’t know exactly why.

I am worried about one of my dogs. She’s 13 and has started showing signs of what I am quite sure is a seizure. They have happened when I’ve been there and have attended to her. She has been in good health to this point, albeit a cough, but otherwise fine. I will be making arrangements to have her to the vet to get a blood test to see if she is lacking anywhere in nutrients; but at this point I’m confident this is neurological; which can be treated usually with medication and a change in some areas of her diet. Given she is fed a raw diet, its usually just a slight adjustment.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!

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